Now with 50% more useless text Circulation: 81,443,838 Issue: 151 | 30th day of Swimming, Y6
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Faeries That You Will Never See


by stoneman3x

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Also by plushieowner
FAERIELAND - If you were one of the few people who actually followed the "Battle For Meridell" plot, then you must have learned the same thing we did. There are faeries running around Neopia that we were never aware existed. And apparently they pop up when we least expect it. So one gifted Neopian Times writer and a half-wit wearing Lucky Green Boots decided to investigate this whole "new faeries popping up out of nowhere when you least expect it" phenomenon.

Since the best place to hunt for faeries is Faerieland, the gifted Neopian Times writer suggested they begin their search there. The half-wit wearing Lucky Green Boots suggested they simply pop the cork on a couple of bottled faeries and ask them where new faeries come from. Luckily for YOU, the readers of this article, the half-wit wearing Lucky Green Boots lost the Neocoin toss.

So we trotted over to Faerieland and asked for an audience with Fyora, the Faerie Queen. The terrifying Miamouse guard at the gate asked us for our names. The Miamouse immediately squealed, "Plushieowner? You're a plushie owner? I wuv plushies! They are soooo cwute! Come right in!" When the half-wit wearing Lucky Green Boots tried to follow, the guard growled, "Not YOU, rockboy. You'll crush her cloud."

So the half-wit wearing Lucky Green Boots waited outside the Faerie City gate for the gifted Neopian Times writer to get back. She appeared a short time later with a fluffy piece of paper in her hand.

"Queen Fyora said she couldn't tell us about the secret faeries nobody knows about for security reasons, but she gave me a list of faeries who applied for certain jobs around Neopia and were turned down."

"There are faerie REJECTS?" the half-wit wearing Lucky Green Boots gasped.

"Yeah, kind of like human rejects, only with magical powers," the gifted Neopian Times writer replied sourly, narrowing her eyes at the half-wit wearing Lucky Green Boots.

So our two investigative reporters aren't able to explain where all of these new faeries come from, but they are going to do the next best thing. They are going to tell you which faeries do NOT have a Icy Snowball's chance in the Mystery Island Volcano of ever becoming new faeries that pop up out of nowhere.

Faeries That You Will Never See

Safety Faerie: Wanders around Neopia and screams, "What are you THINKING? You'll poke your eye out with that!" even if you are holding Strawberry Jelly. She'd cut you some slack about this, if only her safety scissors could cut decently.

Stone-washed Denim Faerie: Hangs around outside Uni's Clothing Shop and offers to cut designer holes in your Denim Coveralls using the Safety Faerie's blunt scissors. Of course, you could get holes in your Denim Coveralls just by working in your Neogarden, but that wouldn't be chic, would it? And she does it for the bargain price of only 2000 NPs!

Plum Sugared Faerie: Totally hyper from taste-testing all of the chocolate that the Snow Faerie asks for.

Cheap Faerie: No matter how many expensive items you bring her when you do her quests, all you get is a Yellow Growth.

Nimbo-Stratus Dreamy Cloud Faerie: Ooooo! That one looks like a fluffy marshmallow... and that one looks like a Tonu wearing pajamas... and that one looks like a Grarrl with poofy white feather wings and a Cybunny tail eating a cross between a Cloud Muffin and a Mutant Babaa...

Rejection Faerie: Sends you a Neopian Times rejection notice six seconds BEFORE you attempt to put a Grarrl with poofy white feather wings and a Cybunny tail eating a cross between a Cloud Muffin and a Mutant Babaa in a story.

Mime Faerie: Her black and white striped dress is pretty eye-catching, but her job of making motivational speeches seems pointless, especially since she never actually speaks.

The Angry Programmer Faerie: The only reason Dr. Sloth doesn't attack Neopia is that he lives in mortal fear of this faerie's powerful attack and defense weapons: The horrifying Delete Button of Doom and the "Down For Maintenance" Shield.

Granny Faerie: Bloats your pets BEFORE you do her quest and insists all of your Neopets wear galoshes and a sweater "just in case you come across a puddle somewhere and it gets chilly".

Stone Faerie: She immediately turns into stone and refuses to speak if you even THINK about asking her if she's the one hanging around the ruins of Maraqua and if her necklace is the Amulet of Thilg.

Full Moon Faerie: Gets misty-eyed when anyone says the word "Kreludor". She has her heart set on turning every werelupe in Neopia into a werechia. Won't that be fun? ARRRROOOOOOOO!

LOL Faerie: By the time she writes "*Spits Neocola all over the keyboard* LOL! That's soooooo funny! Wanna be my Neofriend?" as her reply to everything on the Neoboards, she has waved 10 jobs at the employment agency good-bye.

Rabid Palm Fan Faerie: Identical twin sister of the LOL Faerie, she gushes, "OMG! I can't believe it's really you! Can I have your autograph?" to anyone who shows up on the Neopian Writers Board, whether they have been published in the Neopian Times or not.

Twig Faerie: She will only allow you to do her quest if you correctly answer the question, "Do I look fat?" and only asks for one item: Tyrannian Cheese and Crackers.

Nerd Faerie: Adores HTML, cascade styling sheets and javascript. She is absolutely clueless about what is happening in Neopia, but she makes up for it on Snow Wars trivia nights.

Slorg Faerie: Gives out great items when you complete her quests, but it takes six months for her to give them out.

Jelly Faerie: Don't be silly! Everyone KNOWS a Jelly Faerie doesn't exist!

Yo-Yo Faerie: When you do her quest, she gives you as your reward the exact same thing she asked you to bring her.

Muse Faerie: She waits until you have writer's block and then announces that the deadline for this week's Neopian Times is in five minutes.

Aura Faerie: Gets really mad if you imply that a Ghost Paint Brush is just a blue version of a Glowing Paint Brush.

American Fairy: Slices the "U" out of every word she sees and paints your Chia Eggplant instead of Aubergine.

Panic Button Faerie: Head boss of the Rumor Mill, she makes sure all of the overworked faeries slaving away for her always have SOMETHING posted on the Neoboards for everyone in Neopia to get extremely hysterical about.

Smiley Faerie: No matter what question anyone asks her she always responds the same way-- with random punctuation marks. :)

Goth Faerie: Since black is a classic that never goes out of style, her entire wardrobe is devoted to it. Her one goal in life is to make sure that no happy, upbeat, rhyming poem that makes sense ever wins the Poetry Competition.

Cheerleader Faerie: Waves her pom poms and screams, "I love it! It's sooooo adorable!" no matter what the new Neopet makeover looks like.

Vertically Challenged Faerie: *SQUISH* Ewww... Sorry about that, little lady.

Rude Faerie: Says, "What took you so long?" even if you complete her quest in ten seconds flat. Then she says, "Is that the only size a Rod of Supernova comes in? Go out and get me a bigger one! Oh, and while you're out, could you buy paint brushes for all of my friends? You're a terrible writer, and your articles aren't funny, but you're rich so you should give all of your Neopoints away to anyone who asks."

Pirate Faerie: When all of the pirates return from eating at the Krawk Island Food Club with crumbs all over themselves, she swashes their buckles.

L33t Faerie: Requires you to decipher a sentence like "9imme 5umtin9 9ud or ph33r mi :) uv d00m" in order to get a prize.

Over-worked Artist's Faerie: She's the one who comes up with the artist's dream items like invisible Neopets and Escaped Pixel.

So there you have it-- an article written by a half-wit wearing Lucky Green Boots who was chained to his keyboard while the gifted Neopian Times writer stood over him cracking a whip and shouting a bazillion suggestions at him at 10,000 meters per second. This is why there will never be a Neopian Times Faerie either. Those boots aren't THAT lucky.

 
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