teh 1337est n00zpaper Circulation: 81,443,838 Issue: 150 | 23rd day of Swimming, Y6
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series

Metaphor Man and Simile Son

by buddy33774


The National Neopian (that bank place where people keep their money)

The National Neopian’s lobby was well lit, the beams of light bouncing off the tiled white marble floor. Around twenty-five tellers were on duty about this time to serve Neopia’s residents, with twenty-five long lines before them. And it was in one of these lines where a certain duo, a green Kyrii and red Lenny, stood waiting to deposit their Neopoints in said bank. Well, one of them was standing – the other was sort of… balancing…

     “Oh man, this is hard,” commented Lennert, standing balanced on one leg, the other lifted up in a lawn-flamingo stance.

     Hawkins shook his head, simultaneously rolling his eyes. “Lennert, trust me, its okay – you can step on the cracks.”

     “No!” the Lenny shot back, glaring at his roommate. “What, do you want me to break my momma’s back?!”

     Hawkins smiled to himself evilly, looking around innocently. Then, he suddenly spun around and stuck his arm out, knocking Lennert off balance and forcing him to stick out his second leg to catch himself – and step on a crack.

     “Oh no!” Lennert cried. “Look what you did, Hawkins! Do you know what kind terrible things are going to happen now because of you?!”

A Little While Away

Lennert’s mom, a fellow red (albeit, old) Lenny, sat out on her porch, rocking calmly in her old-granny-style rocker when suddenly…

     “Oh my back!” she hollered, reaching out to feel her back as she fell from her chair in agony. “Owww! Oh man, this can’t be good at all!” She started to crawl her way inside the house painfully. “Must… call… ambulance… on… phone…”

     But then, she realized…

     “Wait – there are no phones in Neopia!”

     The old Lenny went limp, giving up as she lay there in the doorway. “Well, I’m sure someone will find me eventually… I hope…” She sighed. “I hope I don’t miss my stories…”

Back at the National Neopian (the bank… just so you know)

Lennert stood, feeling the weight of the bag of Neopoint he held. “Hawkins, isn’t it great that I finally have money to put in the bank?!”

     Hawkins, for the second time in the last five minutes, simply rolled his eyes sarcastically. “Yeah, well, it’d be great if we could get Neopoints through more honest means.”

     “Oh come on – that old lady gave us the Neopoints for helping her pick up the stuff she dropped!”

     “Yeah, you picked up her stuff – you picked up her money and then ran for it!”

     “She gave me the money!”

     “Oh yeah, that’s why she was shouting ‘Stop! Thieves!’ as we ran away, right?”

     Lennert just waved his wing, pooh-poohing the notion away. “Oh, I’m sure she was talking about someone else.”


     Lennert turned, realizing he was up next. He walked up the teller, a young female pink Poogle, smiling. “Hi, I’d like to – oh! A pen!” He snatched up a pen from the counter and started clicking it in and out furiously, attention instantly diverted. “Oh man! This is awesome!”

     Hawkins coughed nervously. “Uhhh, Lennert?...”

     “Hey Hawkins, go get another pen and then we can race!”

     “Umm, no, that’s okay. I’m good.”

     “Aww, c’mon!” Lennert urged, staring at the pen intently, hypnotized by how the pen point clicked in and out.

     “No, I’m fine, really. Trust me.”

     “Okay, but you don’t know what you’re missing here!”

     The teller cleared her throat. “Umm, sir?”

     “One second,” the Lenny assured, still staring at the pen, unblinkingly, clicking it in and out.





Outside (the National Neopian (the bank))

Ahem… I believe the next part can best be introduced through a poem:

     There once was a Yurble named Lu,

     He was friendly with you-know-who, (and by this, I mean Sloth… not… the other guy…)

     His partner was red,

     They both robbed a bank,

     Unfortunately, this poem doesn’t rhyme.

     And now, we continue with the story.

     Two Yurbles stood outside of the National Neopian, preparing to carry out their evil plot of evilness.

     “Ready?” asked Lu, a Yurble the color of blue.

     His partner, Rover, looked back, nodding his red head with a confident enthusiasm. “I’m ready, boss!”

     The two Yurbles walked casually into the bank, scoped out the lobby quickly, then, with a nod to each other in confirmation, pulled out their weapons – bubble guns.

     “This is a hold-up!” cried out the blue Yurble Everyone just stood calmly, staring back at the two robbers blankly.

     “That means we’re gonna steal all the Neopoints!” Lu tried once more. Again, only blank stares.

     The Yurble sighed, rolling his eyes, then fired off a warning shot – sort of. Instead of some high-speed projectile coming out of the barrel, a simple harmless bubble emerged. It floated peacefully across the room, finally coming to rest on the floor with a soft pop.

     At the sight of the “dangerous weapon”, the entire room exploded in panic. Pets fought furiously between themselves in their attempts to get out. “Oh no!” one pet cried frantically, “They’ve got bubble guns! All the pain of getting soap in your eyes without the joy of getting fresh, lavender-smelling hair!”

     Before you could say all the pets had clawed their way out of the bank, all the pets had clawed their way out of the bank, leaving the two Yurbles to smirk between themselves in an empty lobby – or, what they thought was an empty lobby. Because, as Lu glanced across the room, he noticed that two pets had failed to make their way out. In fact, the two didn’t seem concerned by the robbery at all…

Across the lobby (of the National Neopian (STILL the bank…))

“Nine-hundred and ninety-eight … nine-hundred and ninety-nine… one thousand.” Lennert wiped a few beads of sweat off his brow. “Whew! That was exhausting – but fun!” The Lenny glanced up and looked around – only to realize that he and Hawkins were the only ones left in the room! “Hey, where’d everyone go?”

     Hawkins, standing beside him, face in paw, just sighed, then jolted a thumb to their right. Standing there beside the duo was a fellow duo – two Yurbles, one blue, one red. Both of which were pointing very scary-looking bubble guns at them.

     “Well howdy! I’m Lennert! We’re here to make a deposit. What are you here for?”

     From behind, Hawkins let out another groan, trying desperately to keep his voice steady. “Lennert, they aren’t customers… they’re robbers… they’re robbing the bank…”

     “That’s right!” the blue one spoke, grinning. “And you two have just become our hostages! Congratulations!”

     “Why thank you!” obliged Lennert. Hawkins just let out another groan.

     “Rover,” ordered Lu, “keep watch over these two. I’m gonna go check out the vault. See about getting it open.” As his boss left to look around, the red Yurble motioned for the two hostages to take a seat against the far wall; they did so.

     The three remained there for several moments, Hawkins and Lennert sitting there against the far wall, their “captor” standing several feet away. Obviously, an awkward silence ensued, with Hawkins and Lennert staring blankly at the red Yurble – Rover – and he staring blankly back. After a moment, Hawkins and Lennert glanced at each other, with Rover looking abound the lobby. But soon, it was back to Kyrii and Lenny staring at the Yurble

     “Uhhh… so…” began Lennert, breaking the silence, “What were you before you became a bank robber?”

     The Yurble shrugged. “I was an accountant…” Awkward pause. “ Ummm… so… what were you before you became a hostage?”

     Lennert shrugged. “I worked from home. Self-employed.”

     Hawkins snorted. “Yeah,” he muttered, “that’s one way to put it.”

     “What are you doing?!”

     The threesome looked back to see Lu, the Yurble of blue, marching out front.

     “I was just chit-chatting!” Rover answered defensively.

     “Chit-chatting?! They’re hostages!” the boss cried, motioning to the two against the wall. “You’re not supposed to chi-chat with the hostages!”

     “Yeah, well… this is boring!”

     “Oooh! Oooh!” cried Lennert anxiously, squirming and waving his wing wildly in the air.

     “What?!” shot a perturbed Lu.

     “If you’re bored, why don’t you play with the little clicky pens?!”

     Rover turned and strode over to one of the teller’s booth, snatching up a pen. He studied it, turning it around, clicking it in and out a bit. “Hmmm…” He clicked it a few more times, smiling. “Hey, this is fun!”

     “It is?!” Lennert jumped up and rushed over, grabbing the pen from his captor and starting to click it in and out himself. “Man, you’re right! This is fun!” The Lenny grinned mischievously. “Hey, go get another one and we can race!”

     “Okay!” Rover reached back and plucked another pen from the booth. “Ready, set, go!”

     The two pets took off, engaged in a heated race only two pets of “their intelligence” could appreciate. Hawkins and Lu could only watch, speechless, as their respective partners battled for the title of “fastest clicky pen racer” – a very prestigious title indeed.

     Finally, Lu decided to put an end to it.

     “Stop that!” he shouted, grabbing Rover’s pen. “No playing clicky-pen race with the hostages!” He turned to Lennert next. “And you!” The Yurble pointed angrily to the back wall. “Sit! Now!”

     “Awww…” Lennert groaned, slumping his shoulders as he turned and slunk back to his spot.

     “Now,” began Lu. “I-”

     Woo! Woo! Woo!

     Lu’s speech was cut short by the sound of sirens coming from outside. The Yurble boss, turned, took one glance out the windows, and choked. “Security!” He turned to his counter-part, smiling evilly, as all cliché bad guys must do from time to time. “Get them up to the roof! Hurry! I want them to see that we’re serious!”

     Hawkins let loose another snort. “Serious… right!”

Outside (the bank (the place… oh forget it…))

“Woo! Woo! Woo!” the head security officer called into his loudspeaker. He let off the button, sighing. “We really need to get a real siren…”

     The chief glanced up on the roof to see a sight he, in all his time of seeing sights, never thought he’d see. Two Yurbles, blue and red, were standing three stories up, and beside them, a green Kyrii and red Lenny – hostages! The entire security team, formed of Neopets of every color, stood and watched as the captors stood near the edge of the roof, issuing their warnings.

     “Yes, that’s right, these are our hostages!” the blue Yurble shouted down, trying to look as menacing as possible.

     “Hi everyone!” the Lenny shouted, waving happily.

     “If you don’t stand back!...” the Yurble warned, pointing a finger at him. Turning back to the officers, the captor continued: “And be warned – anyone down there tries anything, anything, we will hurt these hostages!”

     “No we won’t!” reassured the red Yurble

     “Would you be quiet!” the blue shouted at his partner, annoyed. “And yes,” he assured, “we will! Be warned!” With this final threat, captors and captives disappeared away from view.

     Turning back from the roof, the head security officer nearly collided with another pet – a certain green Pteri, face full of worry.

     “Sir,” he pleaded, “please, don’t let anything happen to them! One of those hostages is a good friend of mine!”

     “Don’t worry,” the chief comforted, smiling. “We’ve got a special task force set up for this just this type of situation!”

     The Pteri’s face brightened, eyes glittering with hope. “You do?!”

     “Ummm… yeah…” The chief’s eyes shifted from side to side nervously. “If you believe that, then we do…” The officer made haste in getting away as quickly as possible, pretending to busy himself with something else.

     But as this certain green Pteri stared up at the now-empty roof edge, he resolved – he had to do something! But what?...

The roof of the National Neopian (the bank (if you don’t know what that is by now, then just give up… you never will…))

All four parties now stood back from the edge, towards the middle of the roof. Everyone was deathly nervous – especially Lennert.

     “You… you’re not really gonna hurt us, are you?” Lennert looked pathetic, eyes wide, face etched with concern.

     “Of course not!” Rover comforted.

     “Of course we will!” his partner contradicted. “What do you think we have these guns for?!”

     “Oh please!” cried Hawkins, arms crossed, face more bored than concerned. Up until now, he hadn’t said much. But now, he’d had just about as much of these “robbers” as he could take. “Just what do you intend to do with those things – they shoot bubbles for crying out loud!”

     “Oh yeah?!” Lu shouted back, defending his weapons. “These guns are dangerous – you could put an eye out with these things!”

     “Yeah, if you stabbed them with the barrel!” Hawkins snorted. “The only thing you guys are a threat to are germs and dirt!”

     “You want some of this?! I got enough sudsy water in here to teach you a thing or two!”

     “Bring it on, you furry freak!”

     Lennert gasped. “Hawkins! That’s not very nice!”

     Lu pointed his bubble gun at his hostage, smirking maliciously. “You asked for it…”

On the Ground

A certain green Pteri had come to one simple conclusion: the police chief was an idiot. Perhaps it was the way it was how he constantly referred to the bank as “da bank” or called the hostages “hot sausages” (as in, “How could they do this to those poor hot sausages – they’re just poor innocent meat by-products! Those monsters!”). But when he looked over and saw the chief playing a game of blackjack off to the side, this certain green Pteri was convinced – if someone was going to save his friend (“friend” because, really, who cared about that stupid Lenny?), it would have to be him.

     So, standing at the foot of the bank, he gave one big powerful flap of his wings… and realized that he wasn’t as strong as he thought he was. Struggling against gravity (Darn gravity! Doesn’t gravity always seem to be getting in the way?! Man, I hate gravity!), the certain green Pteri made his way up the three stories to the bank roof. He flew up over the edge just in time to see the blue Yurble pointing his bubble gun – straight at Hawkins!

     “Nooo!” the Pteri shouted eyes wide with fear. He couldn’t let that Yurble pulled the trigger – if he did, it might cause Hawkins mild discomfort for a full two minutes!

     The Yurble spun around, eyes wide with surprise at the supposed “hero”. He took aim and fired – right at the Pteri!

     The shot seemed to come out in slow motion, mainly because it’s a bubble and bubbles tend to float slowly.

     “Nooooooooooo!!!!!” the Pteri shouted as the bubble floated gently, yet with a certain viciousness, through the air. The Pteri continued to scream, hovering there over the edge of the roof as the sudsy bullet of air and water floated peacefully. Finally after about ten seconds he realized – he’d have to take another breath of air!

     He inhaled deeply, then continued with another “Nooooooo!!!!!” as the bubble continued to float calmly.

     And kept floating…

     And kept floating….

     And kept floating… until…


     “Ahhhh!” the Pteri squealed in pain, reaching up to his eyes with his wings and, inadvertently, forgetting the first rule of flying – you have to keep flapping your wings.

     Of course, this certain green Pteri stopped flapping his wings.

     The Pteri plummeted back to Earth (or Neopia… heck, I don’t know what to call it anymore…), falling like a stone or rock or certain other geological element.


     The Pteri lifted his head weakly, dazed. “Well, at least the mild discomfort in my eyes will be overshadowed by the massive concussion I’m sure to have.” Then he passed out.

Up on the roof (we all know where… don’t we?...)

Lu, the Yurble of blue, turned back to his captives, smirking. “Okay, now! Who’s next?!”

     Lennert’s wing shot up immediately. “Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me! Oh… wait…” He let his wing fall back down. “You mean to get shot? Errrr… nevermind…” Then, in a lame secret agent way, he slipped behind Hawkins (as if no one could see him), and spoke in a high-pitched mocking voice, “I want to be next! Me, Hawkins! I want to go next! Please pick me, not Lennert… whom I’m not!”

     Lu turned, pointing the weapon at Hawkins. “So, you want to go next, eh?”

     Hawkins rolled his eyes. “I think it’s pretty obvious that’s not my voice.”

     “Yes, it is! It is I, Hawkins!”

     “Lennert, shut it!”

     “What are you talking about? I’m Hawkins!”

     “That’s IT!” screamed Lu, his normally blue face flushed a disfigurative purple. “I’m ending this now! Who wants to go first?! WHO?!”

     But before Lu could finish making his captives “go”, he was stopped by a looming character from a neighboring rooftop, just to the bank’s left. It shouted out with a booming voice, making all around quiver in their… well, actually, none of them were wearing shoes. But had they been, I assure you, they would be quivering in them! Or shaking… no quivering! Diffidently quivering!

     “I am the candle of good that illuminates the darkness of evil!” All four pets spun to look up at the neighboring roof, shielding their eyes from the sun that eclipsed the apparent hero.

     “I am the shovel that digs up the dirt of bad! I am the white out that corrects the mistakes that are evil! I am the knife that cuts through the butter of badness… I am, Metaphor Man!”

     The figure leapt from his rooftop the bank roof, where all could finally identify it as a Krawk of some kind, hidden beneath a costume of yellow spandex and a yellow mask. And next to him leapt a sidekick, his petpet – a Krawk.

     The Krawk (the “pet” version) advanced calmly on Lu, his face blank. Lu, terrified, pulled the trigger, send a small bubble floating calmly out of the barrel.

     “Oh no!” cried Lennert (this time in his normal voice), covering his eyes. “He’ll never make it!”

     The Krawk, however, was not hurt, for he pulled an amazing maneuver to protect him from the bubble – he stuck out his claw and popped it! Amazing? Yes, it surely is!

     “Hmmm…” thought Lennert aloud, dropping his wings from his eyes. “I don’t know why I never thought of that…”

     “What?! Why isn’t the gun working?!” cried Lu in a panic. In desperation, he began backing away from the Krawk. He kept back up, closer and closer to the edge – and then tripping right over, falling to his demise below…

On the ground

A certain green Pteri awoke from his unconsciousness, looking around sleepily. “Well, at least nothing fell on me this time…” He rolled over onto his back just in time to see a large blue Yurble falling from the roof, right towards him.

     “Son of a bit of cheese…” he muttered.


Back on the roof

Rover looked back up from the ground where his one-time boss now lay, to Metaphor Man, smiling nervously. “I’ll just, uhhh… yeah…” He turned and leapt off the roof, joining the other two in the pile of unconscious pets.

     Metaphor Man turned to Lennert and Hawkins, standing proud with chest puffed out. “Have no fear, citizens! You are free now!”

     The pair just stared back in shock, jaws on the floor.

     “You are birds, free to fly on the wings of freedom! Free to live lives of free freedom! Because, you see, the only thing in life that is free… is freedom!”

     Lennert nodded dumbly. “Uh huh…”

     “Now,” the hero ended, “I must be off! But if are ever in need, simply call out for me! I will always be there! Just call out for – Metaphor Man!”

     The Krawk petpet next to him gave him a swift kick to the shins.

     “Oww! Oh yes, and Simile Son, too…”

     With the flapping of capes in the wind, hero and sidekick ran off, jumping from the roof of the bank to a neighboring roof, then from there to another roof, jumping from roof to roof off into the sunset.

     Hawkins and Lennert just stood there, mouths agape, not quite sure what had happened or what to do.

     “Uhhh… so, what happens now?” asked Hawkins, looking to his roommate for an answer.

     Lennert shrugged. “Wanna go jump off the roof and join the dog-pile?”

     “Uhhh, I’d prefer not to…”

     “Awww!” pouted Lennert, stomping his foot. “You never let me do anything fun!”

     So remember kids, if you’re ever in need of help, or a snazzy metaphor, just call on Metaphor Man! He’ll be there like red on a red Lenny… wait, that’s a simile…

The End

Search the Neopian Times

Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.