SOME RANDOM PLACE - The Turmaculus sleeps. A lot. 23 hours a day, if you'd like
me to be exact. Though that may not be the truth. The Snowager, on the other hand,
has a bad case of insomnia. He only snoozes merely 3 hours per day, rather
than the recommended number for a gigantic ice snake of 14 hours. But that also
might be a lie. Now, what do these two Neopian citizens -- both feared for different
reasons -- have in common? I'll tell you what they have in common. They're in
on IT. IT, being the **drumroll** uber-huge monster conspiracy!
The uber-huge monster conspiracy, most commonly known as the UHMC, is the
conspiracy set up well, by the uber-huge monsters of Neopia. Members include,
of course, the Turmaculus and Snowager, but they're accompanied by an assortment
of other monsters, like Sloth (when he's on stilts), and um… other villains.
Yeah, well, back to the point of the UHMC itself. It doesn't matter whose in
on it, afterall; it just matters that all of your lives are in danger because
You see, I discovered the secret headquarters (not so secret anymore, IS IT,
UHMC members!?) while visiting the Snowager's lair. My Kougra, Carri, was being
particularly brave, and as she ventured into the icy place of possible disaster,
she seemed fearless. I trailed behind her, cowering in fear. Though as scared
as I was, I was still there.
The two of us expected to have to sneak past the snake to steal a treasure
(I had my heart set on getting a new cannon), but well… when we arrived in the
middle of the lair, the Snowager was GONE! And by gone I don't mean there was
a sign up that said "On lunch - Back in 10 Minutes", I mean utterly gone. His
beloved stash just sitting there, glistening with ice crystals. Nobody was guarding
it at all.
I didn't even give my thoughts any consideration before running to the pile
and digging into the goods. Neggs… snowballs… oh so much! Excited as ever, I
jumped completely onto the treasures, and well, they started sinking into the
Carri screamed, and I screamed, and soon we were both screaming so loud that
we were sure the Snowager would lunge at us right then and send us to our icy
doom. But he didn't. Because he wasn't there.
I sunk all the way down into the pile, so far down that I was sure I would
suffocate, and then fell right through the ground.
I landed on a big wooden table (and by big I mean humongous), and when I looked
up, I was staring straight at the Turmaculus.
"WHAT THE -!?" I yelped. My eyes had to be as big as dinner plates and as
wide as saucers, if not larger.
Two seconds ago I been in the Snowager's lair and now I was… now I was… now
I was WHERE!?
The Turmaculus cocked his head and grunted. He then reached out a massive
paw and picked me up. I was sure I would soon be in his stomach with all the
poor Puppyblews and Slorgs. Poor me! The first owner to be eaten by the Turmaculus!
I was wallowing in self-pity.
But he didn't gobble me up. Instead he handed me over to some unusually tall
creature with a green face and a black cloak. Sloth? No, Sloth wasn't this big.
Sloth on Stilts? Yes, that had to be it! Slothy had picked up some stilts
to fit in with the Turmaculus!
I felt like a genius - I swear. Figuring out one of Sloth's secrets. "Oh Turmy!"
I wanted to scream to the Turmaculus. "Your dear friend Sloth has stilts on!"
But then again, I didn't feel like being zapped into sludge, nor did I want
to get eaten. So I stayed absolutely silent.
Sloth looked at me for a few minutes, then set me down. I expected to feel
snow, or maybe even grass, below my shoes, but instead I only felt what seemed
to be wood flooring. I looked down. My guess was right. The floor was wood.
Dare I ask where I was? If I did, would Turmaculus and Sloth and the Snowager
It was then that I noticed the Snowager, huddled up next to a fan (A fan?
He relied on a fan for not melting?). He was looking at me quizzically, and
I almost thought he would blast me right then and there. Instead, he grunted
like the Turmaculus had, and then stared at the wall.
This was getting weird. I mean, falling through the Snowager's stash had been
peculiar, but now I was standing in the middle of a room filled with villains.
3. I had counted 3 so far. Were there more? Where were they? WHO were they?
I chewed my lip thoughtfully as I surveyed the room out of curiosity. It was
rather normal and orderly, I must admit, with that big table surrounded with
six leather chairs (the kind that spin around really fast), and the chalkboard
with notes of world domination on them…
A chalkboard with notes of world domination? Real normal Choc, I thought,
rolling my eyes. I studied the words, printed in white chalk, and wrote them
in my mind in permanent ink.
1. Brainwash People Into Worshipping Sloth. It was no wonder who wrote
2. Lure People Into The Snowager's Lair, Then Brainwash Them Into Worshipping
Sloth. Who's the leader of the club? S-L-O-T-H!
3. Lure People To Turmaculus, Then Brainwash Them Into Worshipping Sloth.
Sloth had big plans - didn't he? Brainwashing people into worshipping him!
How dare he do this! I had to warn the citizens of Neopia!
"Where's the door!?" I demanded Turmaculus.
He grunted and pointed up. Oh gee, that's nice. Make the exit in the ceiling.
How absolutely SPECIAL! But nevertheless, I had to get out.
Sighing, I struggled my way back up onto the table and looked at the hole
in the ice. Except, there wasn't a hole anymore (Had there ever even been one,
though?). The Snowager's stash was sitting there, as if held up by an unseen
"OH THAT'S POLITE!" I screamed in dismay. "THE EXIT'S COVERED BY A LOAD OF
"You pathetic human!" Sloth exclaimed in an exasperated tone. "Not up as in
you have to climb the wall! Up as in take the stairs!" He thrust his hand/paw/claw/whatever
toward the left, where I saw a staircase beginning.
I blushed and grinned like a moron. "I knew that!" I said. I then quick-walked
over to the staircase and ran up in clumsy gallop-like steps.
When the steps ended, I was in the back right corner of the Snowager's lair.
I stepped onto the snow, and brushed off my pants (it's an odd habit of mine).
I then looked back at staircase, as if expecting that it would've disappeared.
It hadn't. It was still there.
Frowning, I looked at the stash of goods in the middle of the cave, and I
screamed when I saw the Snowager lying on top of it, sleeping. He snorted in
his slumber, and I was very afraid that he'd wake up. So I ran full throttle
through the cavern and finally out into the open.
I crashed immediately into Carri, sending us both toppling over to the ground.
"What HAPPENED, Choc?" she exclaimed once she regained her composure.
"No time to explain!" I worriedly yelped. "Must inform Neopians of their fate!"
And right then and there, I fished a crumpled piece of paper and old pen out
of my pocket and started writing my article on what I had seen.
A/N: This is not fake. This is all real. This is what I discovered in the
Snowager's Lair. Under the Snowager's lair I mean. Beware. You're all in danger.
Neomail me for details ;)