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A Cheesy Valentine's Day Gift Guide

by butterflybandage


     Oh, Valentine’s Day; full of love, happiness, and … cheese?! Why yes, of course! Cheese is by far the absolute best gift to give for your loved one—it’s nutritious, delicious, and screams, “I love you!” But the question isn’t whether or not you should give your loved one a wheel of cheese, it’s which type of cheese you should give your loved one. Don’t worry, that’s where I come in. As a cheese connoisseur, I can help you find the perfect block of cheese for the best Valentine’s Day ever!

     Ready? Okay! I’ll need just a little bit more information about your valentine before I can tell you the best cheese! So tell me—is your valentine … ?


     … sweet?

     Is your valentine sweet as honey? Why not give them some Honey Cheese to show them a physical representation of their utter sweetness? The delicious honey—locally sourced from very happy Buzzers—coats the high-quality Kau cheese and is irresistible! You’ll probably wind up eating the entire wheel of cheese before even handing it to your valentine. It does attract some flighty petpetpets, so make sure to keep it covered when you’re outside! You should probably bring some napkins with you, too. That honey does get everywhere.


     … a bit rude?

     Is your valentine rough around the edges and isn’t much of a people person? Well, have I got the perfect cheese for you—Rotten Cheese! Now, before you get upset and say, “Hey, isn’t THAT a bit rude?!”, just hear me out—they’ll be so surprised by your act of rottenness that they’ll become enamored with you! Everyone knows that mean people LOVE people who can out-mean them. You’ll be a shoo in for Neopia’s Best Valentine!


     … active?

     Is your valentine active, always going for a run, a hike, or a swim? There’s nothing better than gifting your active valentine some Fishy Cheese! Made with healthy bits of fish (don’t ask what kind—the healthy kind!), this wheel of cheese will allow your valentine to boost their energy before going out for some fun hours of exercise! Plus, the Fishy Cheese is low-calorie, so it’ll show your valentine you care about their health! Bonus gift? Some breath mints!


     … lazy?

     Is your valentine sort of lazy? Don’t be embarrassed, a lot of people are lazy! The perfect gift for your valentine is a big ol’ wheel of Overripe Cheese. You might be thinking, “What? How is THAT the perfect gift?” The reason for this is because this cheese, like your valentine, likes to sit around all day! How do you think it got overripe? This wheel of cheese will definitely enjoy spending some time sitting on the counter being lazy … just like your valentine! Yippee!


     … petpet-obsessed?

     Is your valentine petpet-obsessed? Who isn’t?! The best gift for your valentine is definitely a wheel of Angelpuss Cheese. Shaped like the cutest petpet around (objectively, since there isn’t any King Roo Baby Blu Cheese), your valentine will be amazed to see how obvious their petpet-obsession is! They’ll be relieved you aren’t weirded out and will never want to let you go! It’s a win-win scenario for everyone!


     … a loner?

     Is your valentine a loner? So much so that you’re surprised they’d even agree to be your valentine? Or maybe they don’t know they’re your valentine yet … regardless, this Warty Blue Cheese is the perfect wheel of cheese for them! Why? Because this cheese likes to be alone! I mean, look at it—who would even WANT to be around this wheel of cheese?! Gifting your valentine this wheel of cheese will make them realize they’re definitely more appealing and will hopefully spark some motivation to go out and make some new friends! Or maybe they’ll relate to the cheese so much, they’ll never leave the house again! It really could go either way.


     … vegetarian?

     Is your valentine vegetarian? Do they prefer eating silly foods like fruits and vegetables rather than actual food? This cheese is perfect! Vegetarians love nothing more than Overgrown Cheese to put on their otherwise bland crackers. Your valentine is guaranteed to cry tears of joy when they see you don’t judge them for their dietary needs and will even offer you a slice! You’re not obliged to eat any, so you should probably just smile and let them get the little bits of leaves stuck in their teeth. That’s the price they have to pay, not you. Happy day!


     … carnivorous?

     Is your valentine a carnivore? Do they enjoy the finer things in life, like munching on some drumsticks or snacking on pepperoni? Then this cheese will blow them away! Meaty Cheese is described as having “all types of meat”, so your meat-eating valentine will make a quick meal of this cheese! No one is really sure which meats are included, but what’s better than a mystery meat cheese wheel for Valentine’s Day? Absolutely nothing! Enjoy!


     … maybe a bunch of Drackonacks using a disguise to make them look like a Neopet?

     Oddly specific, but this cheese is the cheese for you! Yes, it’s a bit expensive, but your valentine (or valentines?) will be extremely appreciative of this gift! However, I’d like to add that even if your valentine is a bunch of Drackonacks dressing up as a Neopet to get some cheese as a Valentine’s Day gift, don’t expect them to eat it in front of you. In fact, don’t expect them to eat it at all! Drackonacks are notoriously shy about eating in front of others. Just hand it to them and leave them be. It’s better this way.

     So there you have it—the most comprehensive, in-depth guide for finding the perfect wheel of cheese for your valentine. They are bound to fall head over heels for you (if they already aren’t) and, if for some absolutely ridiculous reason they don’t enjoy the wheel of cheese, well … go ahead and give them some Very Stinky Cheese to let ‘em know how you feel! Cheese is definitely the best thing food out there (even vegans can agree—look at how much Vegan Cheese is produced!), and your valentine should be extremely grateful you even considered buying them a gift in the first place! Anyway, hopefully this guide was of some use—and even if you don’t have a valentine, now you have some great recommendations for yourself.

     Here’s to a cheesy Valentine’s Day!

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