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How To Care For Your Elderly Neopet


by tallydepp

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We thought our Neopets were ageless. We thought we'd forever spend our days frolicking through the meadows of Meridell, kicking back in Kiko Lake, and swashbuckling on the shores on Krawk island, ne'er a creaky bone or joint to be heard, ne'er a wrinkle to be seen, ne'er grey hair sprouted. Youthful, vibrant, and full of endless energy, our Neopets demanded our constant attention. "Do you think you could buy me a toy?" they'd beg, if ever you tried to spend a teeny tiny bit of time on the Neoboards (despite the fact they had a whole SDB full of toys just sitting there, gathering dust). "A Tiki tour sounds good right about now!" they'd pester, if ever you spent too long in the Neopian shops trying to restock and improve their standard of living (despite the fact they'd been on the tour so many times, they often got mistaken for the tour guide). Yes, keeping up with our Neopets was a full time job and, though we may have grumbled at having to pander to their incessant pleas to be kept entertained - seriously, try taking your increasingly ecstatic Neopet on the Roo Island Merry Go Round twenty times and you'd grumble, too - not once did we ever think that those hectic, fun-packed times were our salad days, and that one day things would change. Have you ever thought to yourself, "Please dear Neopet, please just give me a rest"? Well, perhaps you should have been careful what you wished for, because, my friend, that day will come.

A sudden loss of balance and a stumble into the Rainbow Fountain is all it takes. Before your very eyes, your once sprightly, buoyant Neopet with their thick, lush, shiny fur/scales/hide (delete as appropriate) will emerge no longer glowing with youth and energy, but hunched over and wizened, wrinkly and crinkly, grey or balding, aged almost beyond recognition! "Get off my lawn!" they'll croak at you angrily, whilst you stare at them wide-eyed in shock, mouth agape in surprise. The walk back to your Neohome will be slow-paced. Your Neopet will begin every sentence with the line "Back in my day. .." You'll suggest a quick detour to the Training School, because they haven't trained in a while, and they'll prod you with their walking stick, "Training school? Training school! That's for young 'uns!" they'll berate you. "Get off my lawn!"

Do not, however, despair. All is not lost. Your full-of-the-joys-of-life Neopet may be gone and replaced with a crotchety older version, but they'll still demand your attention, albeit in less fun ways. Perhaps you'll be making endless cups of cocoa instead of stocking up on the achyfi your Neopet used to gulp down. Instead of racing down the slopes of Terror Mountain, you'll be knitting scarves and listening to the sonorous snores of your Neopet as they fall asleep mid-knit. Your days of buying new toys for your Neopet to delightedly play with may be over, but there is an abundance of items available in Neopia that your elderly charge will thank you (though grumpily and reluctantly) for investing in, to make their twilight years more comfortable.

Here are the top ten items every Neopet who has ever growled "Get off my lawn!" can't live without:

1. My First Dentures

All Neopets, even elderly ones, need to eat. Unless you're extremely poor and subjecting your Neopet to a daily diet of soup provided by the Soup Faerie, then these dentures are a must-have! Your elderly Neopet will still be able to enjoy a wide variety of crunchy Neopian delicacies thanks to these little beauties, plus they have the added benefit of allowing your Neopet to startle younger family members by leaving them in drinking glasses around the house. Your aged Neopet may be a cantankerous grump, but they still have a mean sense of humour!

2. Hot Cocoa

This will be your Neopet's drink of choice from now on. Made by you. Particularly in the evenings. Frequently. So frequently, in fact, that you'll find yourself rising from your slumber numerous times to accompany your Neopet and help them as they frequent the bathroom as a result.

3. History Textbook

Although your elderly Neopet will have turned into a walking, talking history textbook overnight - because, after all, they were there when it happened! - this book will prove invaluable to them, not only to fill in the patches of their fading memories, but to prove you wrong if you dare question said memories. They'll also spend many a happy hour browsing through the pictures, trying to find a snapshot of themselves in the crowd.

4. Coconut Cold Cream

Particularly essential for female elderly Neopets, but also popular with males, this cold cream will lull your Neopet into thinking their cracked and wrinkly skin isn't quite as cracked and wrinkly as it appears. Be warned - not only will it be your job to apply this cream, but you'll also have to cross your fingers and little-white-lie that yes, yes of course they look as beautiful/handsome as they did in their youth.

5. Easy Knitting Projects for Any Occasion

Knitting is one of the favourite hobbies of the elderly, and every aged Neopet is convinced that a knitted gift is the best gift of all. Someone having a birthday? Let's knit them a cake! Someone moving house? Let's knit them a chair! This easy to follow book really does cover every occasion. Unless you want to lose all your Neofriends, however, it might be a good idea to buy an unknitted gift as an extra.

6. Classic Wooden Radio Player

Steadfastly refusing to move with the times, your elderly Neopet will insist on filling your Neohome with the sounds of days of old, muffled and scratchy, and far too loud because their hearing is not what it once was. Woebetide any owner who tries to play modern music, because modern music all sounds the same.

7. Carved Walking Stick

Although stooped and creaky boned, your Neopet may still desire to venture outside. Primarily a walking aid, this carved walking stick has the added bonus of allowing your elderly pet to shake it in their fist at any young whippersnapper Neopet who absentmindedly wanders into their path, usually accompanied by the "Get off my lawn!" demand, regardless of the presence or nay of any lawn.

8. Extra Strong Prescription Spectacles

Funky sunglasses a thing of the past, your elderly Neopet will now rely on these extra strong prescription spectacles. Supplied with a handy chain so they can be worn around the neck and therefore never be mislaid, your Neopet will always be able to spot you, even when you're trying to hide from them because, no, you really don't want to help them knit another Ummagine for the Gadgadsbogen Festival.

9. Heated Blanket

Useful all year round - because really, when ISN'T an elderly Neopet cold? - this heated blanket will keep your pet at a temperature sufficient to stop their dentures from chattering. Although this blanket comes with a temperature control dial conveniently placed for your Neopet to operate it themselves, rest assured you will still be called up on to drop everything you're doing and adjust the temperature for them yourself.

10. Baby Paint Brush

Turn your Neopet into a cute little baby with one use of this magical paintbrush! A last resort, for when it all becomes too much caring for an elderly pet. Not everyone is suited to tending to the needs of the elderly. A sudden loss of balance and a stumble into the Rainbow Fountain is all it takes. Wait, is that the Roo Island Merry Go Round? Stop the ride! I want to get ON!

 
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