101 Reasons NOT To Annoy Dr. Sloth
Hello again! After the success of "101 Ways To Annoy Dr. Sloth", I received a lot of feedback. A lot. So I would like to stress again, even more so, that you should not, under any circumstances, attempt to annoy Dr. Sloth.
I mean it. Do not.
Even if my neck were on the line (which thankfully it isn’t), I’d hope you would be sensible enough not to do anything on that list. But just in case my pleas are not enough, here are some further reasons not to annoy Dr. Sloth…
50 reasons to respect Dr. Sloth (even if you don’t like him, which I definitely do, because he's rad):
1. He has his own space station.
2. And it’s rumoured he built it from scratch.
3. Virtupets is number one on the stock market and has been for years.
4. His hairdo.
5. He gives out free transmogrification potions to random passers-by. (My, what a kind fellow!)
6. And that’s not mentioning the avatar.
7. Even if you don’t have his more prestigious avatar yet, he opens his doors every Sloth Appreciation day, offering a consolation avatar to fans who can pass his allegiance test. Isn’t that nice?
8. He has a whole day of the Neopian calendar devoted to his greatness.
9. Just look at his sense of style! Black and red ftw!
10. He is an inspiration to his thousands, if not millions, of fanatical followers.
11. Everyone knows his name.
12. He’s even an inspiration to me and I don’t even like – er, …work …for him? (Yes, that’s the one. Phew.)
13. He’s one of the most recognisable faces in Neopia – and he’s not even from around here!
14. He’s the butt of Neopia’s favourite jokes – good on him for still doing what he does.
15. Without Sloth we wouldn’t have Grundos! (the creatures or the café)
16. Love them or hate them, you have to admit Neopia would not be the same without mutant Neopets.
17. Zurroball? Gormball? Frumball? Without the space station, we would have none of these!
18. Virtupets is the best sports team in the whole of Neopia! (Okay, maybe I’m biased.)
19. Robots. Gotta love those robots.
20. He’s so clever, not even TNT dare argue with him!
21. Everybody knows Neocola is better than Achyfi.
22. Even the Kreludan Grundos must have some respect for him – why else would they have built a mine in the shape of his head?
23. He’s a good listener.
24. He seems to be the only one around here brave enough to actually try and develop new technologies.
25. When you think about it, Virtupets produces some of the best non-magical weapons out there.
26. He’s older than you.
27. For that matter, he’s lived longer than anyone on Neopia (except maybe faeries?) and yet he’s still at the top of his game.
28. Has anyone ever managed to beat him at a game of Gormball? I don’t think so!
29. Brucey B may be credited with the discovery of the Lost Desert, but we all know Sloth was there first!
30. Chiazilla vs. Mechachiazilla.
31. There is now a Poogle Transmogrification Potion! Hooray! (See? He does listen to us!)
32. You must admit, NPv2 is an astounding piece of programming.
33. He is ever so quotable.
34. The closest you can get to defeating him in any of the games in the Games Room is managing to hit a sock with a bit of paper. (What does that say about his reputation?)
35. He is the most handsome and lordly-looking alien Neopia has ever seen.
36. He is a sophisticated coffee connoisseur.
37. He even works on Mondays.
38. He’s probably the least crazy scientist in Neopia.
39. Many of the things he says really are applause worthy.
40. He is a great and powerful leader. (You can ask the fanatical followers from number 10.)
41. I’m still here, which means he must have a very good sense of humour. Yes indeed. (Or just a whole lot of patience.)
42. He’s tough enough to order Garoo about.
43. He must have a lot of guts to keep standing up to the Space Faerie like that. She’s pretty powerful.
44. It’s rumoured even Fyora has a soft spot for him. (I refuse to comment.)
45. No amount of slander or hatemail can get him down.
46. He sells those stamps that everybody’s fond of.
47. If he dresses up as a faerie – I’m not saying he does, but if he does – surely that means he can’t be all that bad? You can never have too much happiness around.
48. If the Happiness Faerie was purely an invention of the media, that would be a very cruel joke and they ought to be ashamed of themselves. (And I’m deeply sorry about all the times I’ve used it as a joke myself.)
49. He’s actually really charming in person. Not that that should be a surprise. Um. (Help?)
50. He also throws great parties.
50 reasons why annoying Dr. Sloth wouldn’t be the best idea:
1. Your pets love you and they don’t want you to see you do something stupid.
2. He has many many resources at his disposal, whereas you have only your wits and some junk you found at the back of the potting shed.
3. He has a reputation for short-temperedness.
4. He’s likely far too busy and doesn’t have time for your idiotic pranks.
5. Turning things into sludge seems to be a favourite pastime of his.
6. You may never see the light of day again.
7. He’s much more intelligent than the average human and seems to have an uncanny knack for remembering faces.
8. He may well be the ruler of Neopia one day. You don’t want to start things off on the wrong foot.
9. It probably won’t work anyway. You don’t want to make a fool of yourself, do you?
10. On the other hand, it just might work. Then what will you do?
11. Nobody knows how he selects his test subjects.
12. He knows where you live.
13. It’s not nice to annoy people.
14. He has an impressive collection of lasers.
15. If you think his laugh is scary, imagine what it must be like when he’s not laughing!
16. In space, no one can hear you apologise profusely for your actions.
17. If Dr. Sloth has a cute and cuddly side, he keeps it well hidden.
18. The Space Faerie would probably have a thing or two to say to you about intergalactic diplomacy.
19. I hear Garoo is head of security up there, so you'd have to get past him first.
20. What would your mother think?
21. If there’s a big red button that destroys Neopia, you don’t want to tempt him.
22. Even if you get away safely, what about all those innocent Grundos who will have to calm him down one way or another?
23. You don’t want to see him in a fit of rage. (Trust me.)
24. What would his mother think?
25. If your hair somehow becomes set alight it will be no one’s fault but your own.
26. With all those Sloth clones running about, how do you know if you’ve got the right one or not? (before it’s too late…)
27. He’s so likeable he could get away with murder.
28. You never know what he might be hiding under those long gaping sleeves of his.
29. You might give him such a fright that he spills scalding hot coffee all over you!
30. What if he spent all his time trying to annoy you, huh? How would that feel?
31. His company is a very important part of the Neopian economy and you wouldn’t want to put him off his work.
32. I was joking about the whole sludging thing – he doesn’t really turn people into sludge, right? Right? *nervous chuckle*
33. You might actually grow to like him some day. You don’t want that kind of regret on your conscience.
34. “He will be angry, and that anger will be passed down through his troops.” – Commander Valka
35. You don’t want to expose hundreds of innocent employees to a raging tyrant.
36. Who’s going to have to clear up all that mess if you succeed?
37. You might catch him on a bad day.
38. Even worse, you might catch him on a good day and spoil his mood!
39. “Dr. Sloth’s Personal Battle Armour” (Stocked at the Hidden Tower.)
40. Attempting to annoy Dr. Sloth is a very stupid idea, and everyone knows it. (Do you want the whole of Neopia thinking you’re a fool?)
41. If you somehow manage to spoil his plans for Sloth Appreciation Day, there will be a lot of people very upset with you.
42. It’s a long way back to Neopia from the space station – most of it straight down.
43. There are some rooms, in the very heart of the space station, that not even his most loyal minions know the contents of.
44. He is a very gracious and affable host, but you don’t want to push him.
45. Courage alone will not save you, and audacity is downright dangerous.
46. I’ve never heard of anyone managing to annoy him. Maybe there’s a reason we haven’t heard of them.
47. If the differing reports tell us anything, it’s that he’s unpredictable.
48. If his eyes are red before you annoy him, how will you know when he’s enraged? (before it’s too late…)
49. The materials you would be using for the prank could be put to much better use. It’s wasteful!
50. Burning robots are no laughing matter.
And the number one reason not to annoy Dr. Sloth is because you love me and you wouldn’t want to get me into trouble over a silly little list like that. (Please? I’ll send you cookies!)
Author's Note: I know this looks bad, but it didn't take me three years to come up with 101 reasons for this list! Honest! For some reason there wasn't a special Sloth Appreciation Day issue last year or the year before. (Either there's some sort of conspiracy going on, or we haven't all been doing our bit to respect Dr. Sloth, meaning this article is more relevant than ever!)