Jhudora Reviews Illusen’s Glade Rewards
Happy Jhudora Day (or else Jhudora will make sure it isn't)! The day dedicated to Neopia's most famous quest giving Dark Faerie is celebrated by her loyal minions and loathed by Illusen's loyal followers. Jhudora's minions rush to her Bluff in Faerieland to do a quest for their dark mistress while Illusen's followers stay in their home as Illusen vanishes for the day (and replaced by a cardboard cutout manned by a Bartamus; totally not suspicious). It goes without saying Jhudora's minions don't think highly of Illusen's quests, but what are Jhudora's opinions on Illusen's quests, specifically on the rewards that she gives? I decided to ask this question to Jhudora and she was more than happy to review Illusen's Glade rewards, occasionally pausing to address a quester; whether giving them a quest, accepting an item..., or punishing one for failing her. I'll spare you the details and move onto the review:
"This should be good for a laugh or two
as I reveal Illusen for the ripoff that she is!"
ITEM: Illusens Cream Cookie
DESCRIPTION: Yummmy cream cookies that are great after any meal or for a special treat. These are one of Illusens favourite treats.
"Uggh, Illusen brings these things to EVERY Faeries Festival. And yes, they taste as bad as you think they do; there's a reason she hands them out as her first prize. Just look at them! Look how much cream is on top of the cookie, could she put anymore on it? And if you're wondering what flavor it is, it's mint. ALL of Illusen's food is mint flavored and you'll get real sick of it real soon, trust me. Also either she needs to spell check her work better or was being "cute" as she spelled 'yummy' with three "m"s; either way it's unprofessional."
ITEM: Illusens Potion
TYPE: Magic Item
DESCRIPTION: As potions go this one is pretty enlightening in an earthy way.
"Oh, how sweet, it has a little heart on it. So that must mean it heals you, right? WRONG! It only does damage, and not a lot of it. I can only take that as meaning Illusen loves causing minor pain, sort of describes what doing her quests must feel like. Can't argue with the description, though; it is "enlightening in an earthy way"; it grounds you back to reality by making you realize how much better my quests are than hers."
ITEM: Illusens Comb
DESCRIPTION: Keep your pets hair silky and smooth with the help of this comb. No more leaves and twigs in your pets hair.
"So how does Illusen follow-up after giving you a magical potion? A piece of green painted wood. That's all I really need to say about that. According to its description it's used to get leaves and twigs out of your hair, yet it's a twig carved into a shape of a leaf so you're combing your hair with the thing you want out of your hair! What sense does that make?!"
ITEM: Cucumber Eye Cream
DESCRIPTION: This is the perfect eye cream for the nocturnal pets that dont get much beauty sleep.
"I'm not a big fan of cucumbers so I wouldn't even eat one let alone smother a cream made from them on my face. If you like cucumbers fine, but this stuff uses so much of it you'll smell like a cucumber! Then again it's supposed to be for nocturnal pets so I suppose they'd be up when no one really cares. Then again if they don't care how you smell they wouldn't care how you'll look, so really I have no idea what demographic Illusen is trying to aim for here."
ITEM: Illusens Novel
DESCRIPTION: Learn about your favourite faerie Illusen in this gripping novel about her life...
"I guess I should address the Elephante in the room. Yes, there is a chapter dedicated to me. It's all slander, vicious rumors, and propaganda. I especially like the part where I'm compared to the likes of Dr. Sloth and Hubrid Nox. This book is nothing but Illusen's egotistical power fantasy where she's a big hero who's perfect in every way. Surprised she didn't make herself Faerie Queen by the end of it. Also what is that rune on the cover? Queen Illusen too almighty to just put her face or name on the cover, she has to make up her own symbol?"
ITEM: Mud Mixture
TYPE: Magic Item
DESCRIPTION: They say mud is good for the skin. Lets find out...
"A bit of a confusing description. It sounds like you're suppose to use it on yourself but like Illusen's previous potion it does damage. I guess you can take it as you're throwing it at your opponent, but this potion doesn't only do damage but it also heals just as small of an amount as it hurts. So how are we supposed to use this potion? Well, aside from that there is one more downside to this reward: IT'S MUD! Who knows what germs and other microscopic organisms is in it, and it's implied you're suppose to put in on your skin..."
ITEM: Flower Cake
DESCRIPTION: This cake almost looks too good to eat. Nah!!! This cake was made for a very special pet.
"Nah, this cake doesn't look too good to eat, it looks absolutely too DISGUSTING to eat. Illusen, who want to eat a flower? Oh, it's for a 'very special' Neopet, huh? Well, they can't be all that special as this is still a low level prize so any of your mindless followers should be able to get one. Or is this just another of your tricks to make your followers think that you think they're special when in reality you have a cabinet full of Flower Cakes? I'd think if you really did think they were special you'd give them something that's the least bit appetizing."
ITEM: Rain Water Shampoo
DESCRIPTION: Clean and condition your pets hair with this wonderful rain water based shampoo.
"Because when I'm cleaning my hair, instead of using clean water I'll use old rain water. After that I think I'll then comb my hair with a twig and cover my face with creamed cucumbers! By now if you haven't figured it out you shouldn't be taking beauty and grooming advice from Illusen. Also what does Illusen know about water? She's an Earth Faerie, not a Water Faerie."
ITEM: Rose Shake
DESCRIPTION: Illusens favourite drink. This yummy shake is a wonderful treat for your pet.
"This again? Illusen. WHO. WANTS. TO. EAT. A. FLOWER! Oh, I'm sorry; I meant to say DRINK a flower... which honestly sounds even more disgusting. I mean look, THERE'S A WHOLE ROSE IN THE SHAKE! There are probably even a few thorns floating around in it waiting to sting your tongue. Of course that wouldn't bother Illusen's enjoyment of it; being an Earth Faerie she can absorb plant life though she doesn't seem to have grasped a normal Neopet can't do that. As well as non-Earth Faeries, seriously Illusen, stop bringing food to the Faerie Festival."
ITEM: Earth Spell Book
DESCRIPTION: Find out more about the spells that the ancient earth faeries used to use.
"I should note that ancient Faerie spells are not only potent but they also tend to backfire. But then again when was the last time ancient Faerie magic hurt anyone? Well, aside from Xandra using it to petrify the Faeries, awaken the Wraiths, causing Faerieland to fall, try to take over all of Neopia, and weakening all Faerie magic. Of course Illusen won't get in trouble, I mean she only WROTE the book, it's technically not her fault if someone decides to try casting one of the spells and it ends badly..."
ITEM: Leaf Shield
TYPE: Defence Magic
DESCRIPTION: This shield was used in many battles by Illusen herself. Use it well in the fight against evil!
"Because I know when I'm looking for something to shield me, I want it to be a LEAF! And being it only blocks Earth, Water, and Physical damage it might be a bit hard to fight evil whom tend to use Dark damage. But then again what else would a leaf be able to shield against? Though now thinking about it it'll probably be useful if you fight against Illusen, I'm beginning to think she has a bit of an inferiority complex. Of course when you're competing against me that's bound to happen."
ITEM: Illusens Earth Potion
TYPE: Magic Item
DESCRIPTION: This potion is a great weapon to use against any creature that doesnt respect nature. Only one per pet.
"Illusen's third potion and it barely does any more damage than her previous potion, which wasn't very much to begin with. It also doesn't heal so I would say this is a downgrade but that would imply you should ever consider using any of her potions. We've also gone from brown goop to an even more disgusting green goop. I think creatures who don't respect nature haven't anything to fear. I would know, I'm one of them *gives a sinister smile*."
ITEM: Honey Potion
TYPE: Magic Item
DESCRIPTION: This potion is a great way to put your opponent in a sticky situation! Only one per pet. Limited Use.
"I do hate puns. Actually no, I do like a good pun, one that's subtle yet respects your intelligence. "Put your opponent in a sticky situation" is not such a pun; it's in your face, painfully so. Illusen, you should feel ashamed. I heard back in the early days the Honey Potion was actually quite a popular item and considered a Battledome standard. But time moves on and better weapons have come out making this potion yet another failure. And remember it's at this time Illusen starts asking for expensive items."
ITEM: Illusens Scroll
DESCRIPTION: Read all about Illusens many adventures in this scroll written by Illusen.
"Illusens many adventures. Written by Illusen. Well, I think we can firmly mark this book under the genre of fiction. Actually the stories she written about are true for the most part, of course in most she exaggerates the importance of her involvement and either downplays or completely ignores anything I was involved in. It does sound like she's campaigning to become Faerie Queen, though with such a bland design and sickly green color I don't think she'll attract that many readers."
ITEM: Illusens Blade
TYPE: Battle Magic
DESCRIPTION: Keep your opponents at bay with this magical blade made specifically for Illusen.
"So Illusen, since when was a manufactured steel blade considered natural? Well, for all the damage it does it might as well be made of leaves and wood too. Speaking of being made, I noticed that it says it was "made specifically FOR Illusen" and not made BY her. So I can only assume she was given this blade as a gift and to show her gratitude she copied it and uses it as a reward incentive for her own profit. Well, I can see now why everyone considers Illusen one of the kindest Faeries around..."
ITEM: Leaf Taco
TYPE: Medieval Food
DESCRIPTION: This delicious looking taco is a rare delicacy that Illusen makes herself.
"Well, look who's pandering to the Gourmet Club! And boy does it look delicious, well except for the part where you're eating LEAVES! Illusen, no one wants to eat flowers, no one wants to eat leaves, NO ONE WANTS TO EAT A PLANT! And yes, it's another food she brings to Faerie Festivals one in a while and, yes, I've tasted it. It's rather bland, but what do you expect when you're eating a LEAF? Also I can make a guess what the red and white stuff is, but what is the blue? Thinking about it is starting to make me feel sick."
ITEM: Illusens Orb Plant
DESCRIPTION: Plant, fruit, or orb?
"Plant? Fruit? Orb? I think the word you're looking for is "Trash". How is anyone supposed to use this in their Neogarden if Illusen doesn't even know what it is? For all we know Illusen is able to see through it and can spy on anyone near it without them noticing! But Illusen wouldn't do that, right? Just like how she didn't give out a book of arcane Faerie magic nor stole a gift's design for one of her rewards."
ITEM: Illusens Staff
TYPE: Battle Magic
DESCRIPTION: This is Illusens ultimate weapon. She only allows her most worthy friends to use it.
"And this is all that it comes to, a twig. Not much of a staff now, is it? Not to mention Illusen's "ultimate weapon" is a weaker knockoff of my top reward, the much superior Wand of the Dark Faerie. It does less damage, heals less HP, and starts healing you when you're at a lower health. Though it does fully block Dark damage which I feel is honored to me. Also it copies my wand's ability to reflect back Light damage, but oddly her staff turns it into Dark damage upon being reflected. Aren't I supposed to be the Dark Faerie, or is Illusen hiding a dark secret from all us? I'll let that sink in."
"Well, that was a waste of time. I already suspected that Illusen's quests were inferior to mine, though I guess it's nice to have confirmation. Actually maybe it wasn't such a waste of time as I helped everyone see that maybe their sweet and friendly neighborhood Earth Faerie isn't all that she shows on the surface. Even more reason why you should just do my quests, all the problems I pointed out with Illusen's rewards are not found in mine; not to mention mine were the first 50 Level Faerie Quests. Better to do the evil you do know than the evil you don't, right? *winks*"