Fifty Resolutions of the Non-Selfish Owner
I realize that I haven’t been all too kind to you during the passing year, but now that it’s the new year, I thought I should let you know that I will try to change.
I know you have struggled to put up with me, and that I haven’t always been pleasant to you, but I hope that I will be able to answer your calls and change for the better. No longer will I be bound by the shackles which define the ‘average’ Neopian owner. My New Year’s resolution is to be more considerate to you, my pet, who has given me so much joy over the years, and without whom I would be lonely and empty.
These fifty resolutions I promise to follow and maintain during the course of the new year and beyond:
1) When you’re hungry, I won’t ignore it and go play games. I’ll make sure to feed you and see to it that you’re satisfied before looking to my own needs.
2) When you’re sad, I won’t be greedy and shove all my money into the bank. I’ll spare some to buy you a toy.
3) When you tell me that you’re tired of playing Kacheek Seek, I’ll listen.
4) I’ll take you to the Grooming Parlor at least once a week instead of leaving you all dirty.
5) When I make a bad spin on the Wheel of Misfortune and get you sick, I won’t wait for the Healing Springs Faerie to heal it. I’ll buy the cure myself.
6) When you’re fishing in the Maraquan Fishing Vortex, I won’t yell at you when you pull up something useless like an old shoe. I will congratulate you and commend your ability, then treat the shoe as if it were a prized item.
7) I will NOT make you wear any embarrassing sweaters that I may get from the Advent Calendar, or from any other place that distributes them. If I do get one, I will either sell it or put it away.
8) I will not carry around too many items, as they will block my view and will deter my attention when we’re out walking together.
9) I will immediately take away the cardboard Petpet that you’re not happy with and buy you a real one, as I know it’s embarrassing and all your friends are laughing at you.
10) I will not send you into the Battledome empty-handed, and I will always be cheering you on at the sidelines.
11) If you get badly beaten at the Battledome, I will heal you immediately instead of brooding upon my loss and shame.
12) When I get a fancy book as a prize, I will read it to you instead of packing it away into my Safety Deposit Box, because I know how much you love to read.
13) I will get to those Neohome renovations this year, and I will spend at least 10,000 NP on your new room.
14) I will take you out shopping at least twice a month, at which time I will renew any clothes that might be too small for you, and renew any old toys.
15) I will not visit the Deserted Tomb of Geraptiku as often anymore, as I know that I am clumsy and usually cause you to take damage for me. When I do visit the tomb, I will try to be more alert and watch out for traps.
16) I will occasionally listen to your advice while playing Cheat, instead of ignoring you and then erupting in anger when I lose.
17) Whenever I take home a heavy game trophy, I will not force you to carry it while I cackle maniacally at the sky.
18) I will stop gambling at Double or Nothing, because it wastes valuable NP that I could have spent on us.
19) I will not immediately discard any item I deem worthless. I will first ask you whether you could get some use out of it.
20) I will occasionally indulge you with something nice, like a homemade cake on your birthday.
21) If I enter you in the Beauty Contest, it will not be for my personal glory. It will be to, for once, give you a chance to shine.
22) I will give all my pets a chance to be my active pets, and therefore give you some time out of the house to roam and explore the world.
23) I will not be a cheapskate. Whenever I am away, I will be sure to book you a stay at the Neolodge, at something more luxurious than Cockroach Towers. I will also pay for any additional activities you want your hotel stay to include.
24) I will not be overly-competitive during a game of Mynci Beach Volleyball. I will acknowledge that it is just a game, and I will give you a fair chance to win.
25) I will never paint you a color that you don’t like just because I think it looks cool. I recognize that your tastes differ from my own, and I will always consult you in the matter.
26) I promise not to obsess over the Turmaculus and force your Petpet to try and wake him multiple times per day. I realize that your Petpet means a lot to you, and will not laugh when it gets eaten and snatch up the avatar. I will instead be compassionate, and take you out for ice cream to cheer you up.
27) I will not spend too much time waiting on the Snowager, as the Ice Caves are cold and make you uncomfortable. I will either buy you a non-embarrassing sweater, or steer clear of him. If the Snowager fires a MASSIVE icy blast at you, I will not jump out of the way and try to save myself and/or try to get an item. I will pull you out of the blizzard, and immediately take you to the Healing Springs.
28) I will accept your input when offering wisdom to King Hagan. I realize that you are just as intelligent as I am (perhaps more, in some cases), and will value your words.
29) I will not force you to enter the Lair of the Beast on the Tyrannian Plateau again.
30) The next time we visit the Deserted Fairground, I promise I won’t blow all my Neopoints on the attractions so that I won’t have any left to buy food.
31) I will not make you Kiss the Mortog. I will do it myself, since I have paid for it.
32) When you say “Destruct-o-Match sounds fun right about now”, I will listen.
33) When we play Tug-o-War, I will work together with you instead of trying to do all the work myself, and will do my best to not let you fall into the water.
34) I will not spend all my time playing at the Scratchcard Kiosks, then slamming my fist on the table when I lose. I will learn to exit the booth when the time is right and not give them any more of my Neopoints.
35) I will occasionally donate to the Money Tree instead of just taking things.
36) When we visit a famous Neopian landmark, I will take you to the gift shops instead of deliberately passing them by.
37) When the next Altador Cup comes, I will not shun you just because you favor a different team. I will watch the games with you and congratulate you if they win.
38) I will not pull the Lever of Doom if the sign says not to.
39) When I adopt a new pet, I will not slather all my attention on them and forget about you. I will always make you feel needed and accepted, and will do my best to make sure everyone in the family gets along.
40) I will never feed you any gross food I may win as a prize from the Tombola. I will use a standard rule of feeding: If I find the food revolting, and I will not eat it, then I certainly won’t force you to. Instead, I will discard it.
41) When we visit the Wishing Well, I will not just ask it to give me something. I will ask it to give you something as well.
42) When I spin the Wheel of Monotony, I will make sure we have something to do while we wait.
43) No matter what you wear or how you look, you will always be a Notable Neopet to me.
44) Whenever I obtain a Gingerbread Faerie or any other one-in-a-lifetime cookie that you happen to set your eyes upon, I will not stow it away, but will at least consider letting you eat it.
45) I will not make you eat something that’s been lying in the Safety Deposit Box for over three months, unless it has been properly mummified.
46) When you tell me that a toy is boring, I will not assume that you are ungrateful or negligent. I will always try to keep you happy and buy you toys that you will enjoy spending time with.
47) I will try to give you better than the Ultra Fashionable Potato Sack.
48) When you make me a holiday shopping list, I will try to abide by it.
49) I will try to remember that games are not just for Neopoints, but for spending time together too.
50) Lastly, I promise to keep all my promises, and be the best owner I can be for you.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!