The Neopian Food Review: Spooky Food
Duty has called, Neopia. Have you ever gone to that favorite eatery, whether you prefer Hubert’s Hot Dogs or Kelp, and ordered something sublime? Wouldn’t you have liked to share your joy with the rest of us? That’s where I come in. I’ll eat at a variety of locations around the globe (and on the Space Station) so you can know what to eat when you go out. I’ll tell you what’s good and what you should definitely stay away from. From here on in, Neopia, you can count on me.
Spooky Food, located in the Deserted Fairground, definitely has a reputation with the rest of Neopia for having some of the most vile foods ever created. It’s not all bad, though – some dishes are worth going for, and others that look absolutely atrocious but are actually appetizing. I’ll help you see through everything they serve: if it looks terrible, it really might not be. Unfortunately, there are always some rather vulgar dishes thrown in, but at Spooky Food, there are quite a few to watch for. Have faith in me, Neopia, and let’s find out what’s safe to eat when you visit Spooky Food.
Truly, not all things at Spooky Food are bad, and some of them aren’t even spooky! In general, you’ll be pretty safe with drinks (Haunted Milk, for instance). One of my favorite drinks was their Cadaverous Cola. It supposedly comes with “13 sugar-free souls in every can”, and while that sounds frightening, it’s really not. They fly around you until you leave, but they’re really friendly and they’ll do almost anything you ask them to. They’re great for stealing your friend’s food if you think it looks good!
Another favorite of mine was the Candy Corn Soda. Why hadn’t anyone thought of this before? The cooks at Spooky Food simply melt down a batch of Candy Corn Classic, add an extra heaping helping of sugar, and pour the mix into a can. Sure, it’ll give you an insane sugar rush, but isn’t that the point when you’re eating candy corn? Drink this on Halloween and you’ll be up to get more candy all night.
The Mystery Meat Sandwich is a great culinary example of the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. The sandwich itself tastes great, stuffed with lots of meat and a nice chunk of cheese. You can get it topped with any condiment you’d like. The only downside it that it’s called the Mystery Meat Sandwich. I don’t want to be eating anything really sketchy – I have a reputation to uphold – but I like the sandwich so much that I’ll never ask what’s in it. If you find out, don’t tell me.
Are you looking for dessert? Two of the best desserts in all of Neopia are the Vanilla Ghost Cake and the Chocolate Graveyard Cake. The Vanilla Ghost Cake is light, fluffy, and covered with a good portion of great vanilla frosting. The cherries that are added for eyes really give the cake the look of a ghost. The Chocolate Graveyard Cake is a great traditional chocolate cake with a tombstone decoration and a skeleton’s hand sticking out of it. Don’t worry – although the tombstone isn’t edible, the bony hand is really a molded sugar candy, so don’t be afraid to bite into it! The hand is really the defining part of this cake; I think it’s what makes the cake so good.
Finally, you can’t go wrong with Spooky Food’s famous Apple Lanterns. They come in six flavors: Chocolate Ice Cream, Vanilla Ice Cream, Strawberry Ice Cream, plain, Mint Ice Cream, and Pink. The original lantern is basically a carved apple, but the lanterns filled with ice cream are always a great treat. The Pink Apple Lantern is a bit different – it uses glowing pink frosting instead of ice cream, but it still tastes fantastic.
Other good dishes: Ghostmallow Smore, Ghost Wrap, Holiday Gingerbread Mansion, Cheese Ghostkersandwich, Tomb Chips
Usually, bad meals at any place to eat can be overlooked. There’s usually a reason as to why the meal is so bad. At Spooky Food, however, they seem to cross the line any chance they get with multiple foods that are all absolutely disgusting. More than disgusting, really – it’s downright cannibalistic!
The foods mentioned in this paragraph all include parts of pets, and Spooky Food is not shy about saying it – the pets’ names are in the names of the dishes. Here’s a list of the most terrible items: Blumaroo Tail Salad Extravaganza, Blumaroo Steak, Quiggle Pie, Meerca Pie, Wing of Korbat, Korbat Wing Soup, Elephante Trunk Stew, and Grundo Stix. All of these meals clearly feature neopets as main courses, and that’s really not okay with most of Neopia (understandably). Like I’ve said before, who would want to eat a nice pet? They never hurt anyone. I was wondering, however, if Blumaroos and Korbats aren’t really liked in the Deserted Fairground? They both have two dishes featuring... well, themselves. I sense some issues there.
For the rest of the failed dishes, I’ll just go through them pretty quickly – most of them are obviously bad and they’re just not in the same league of bad as the other pet-centered dishes. The Elixir of Intelligence, which was rumored to have been produced first by Edna, doesn’t make you smarter at all. It’s just nasty-smelling green goo. The Beast Burger looks like it would eat you before you ate it (and I don’t doubt that it would try: it has a mind of its own). Another meal that seems to have a mid of its own is the Deviled Egg. They’re all served with tiny pitchforks and horns, which would be cute if I was sure the eggs couldn’t actually use the pitchforks. It’s safe to stay away until they fall asleep (yes, the eggs fall asleep!) Then you can eat them.
Most of the Ghost Toast is pretty good, but one – the Bloody Ghost Toast – is definitely no good. Do you really want to eat toast that “someone has strategically bled on”? Nah. I’ll pass. The Parts On A Pizza meal includes things that look like eyes and fingers. They aren’t: they’re just gummy sugar replicas. Still, that much sugar on a pizza doesn’t taste good. It doesn’t even look good.
Also stay away from: Spooky Ghostbeef, Coffee Of The Dead, The Stuff, Creepy Spring Salad, Spaghetti And Brains
I’ll get straight to the conclusion here. Out of 10, Spooky Food gets a 5. Sure, they have lots of food that’s really good – it’s not all nasty-looking and vulgar, although some of the best things are disguised that way. That being said, the majority of the food is really bad and truly gut-wrenching. Get rid of all that stuff, or at least make it more pleasing for the eye, and you can be great, Spooky Food. I hope you guys clean up you act a little bit.
Only one more review coming: Faerie Foods! Don’t miss it!