The Impending Apocalypse, How to Prepare Yourself
Citizens of Neopia, I ask you to imagine our wonderful world. Drifting in space, capped by the magnificent and terrible Terror Mountain, fringed with great mountain ranges, the sea dotted with islands like my beloved Kougra's face when he had the Neopox a few weeks ago. Don't worry, he's all better now.
Imagine our various lands, beautiful, frightful, exotic and mundane. And above it all, Kreludor, the space station and Faerieland! Yes, surely this world is at peace, the greatest worries of its inhabitants the next Yooyuball match, Jazzmosis concert or slice of carrot and pea omelette.
Neopia is a world constantly on the brink of destruction. From every direction, a dozen dangers loom. Meteorites crash into the surface of Kreludor near daily! Smoking ominously, an active volcano sits at the very centre of Mystery Island! The ruins of past civilisations lie scattered through all the lands! A tense and fragile treaty exists as the only impediment of outright war! Strange creatures lurk in the Haunted Woods! Obviously, Neopia is an apocalypse waiting to happen, under its deceptively calm exterior. And that is why you need this information.
As I illustrated above, there are infinite ways in which the final and inevitable destruction of Neopia may come to pass. In this article I intend to prepare you for four such possible scenarios. Future installments in order to safeguard you against the many possible sources of doom may follow, unless by then I am relocated from the Shenkuu Observatory to the Neopian Hospital for the Slightly Strange.
The danger of meteorites falling from the sky and crushing you or your pets in blazing fury is surely one we all know and fear, at one time or another. I will assure you, the fear is completely justified. The space outside the little bubble or air we call the atmosphere is rife with meteorites, comets, and space debris. The evidence is clear on our moon, Kreludor. Craters riddle the surface of the moon, occasionally damaging the buildings that stand in noble defiance of the ever-threatening apocalypse!
How can you protect yourself against this threat? It's simple, really. Meteorites are nothing more than big chunks of rock from outer space. There is no devious mastermind behind it, nor is there any intelligence in them. They're rocks. We also know rocks make great pets.
The solution to this menace; adopt the meteorites and give them a stern talking-to.
If you have no desire or room for a meteorite pet, here is another well-known fact: Grarrls eat everything. I'm fairly sure this includes meteorites!
There is one known volcano in Neopia: Techo Mountain at the heart of Mystery Island. There are rumours there once was a foul and vicious plot involving this volcano, and that just proves how dangerous it is! The natives seem oblivious of the danger so close to their home, and in fact throw rocks into this bubbling furnace. I went out to research this dubious practice and after many singed eyebrows I have come to a conclusion.
Better the rocks than us.
I have also come to a second conclusion. Not only are rocks thrown in, but whenever a certain amount of rocks is thrown in the volcano, it spits out a rock in return. The density of these magma stones is remarkably twelve times as great as the individual rocks that originally went in. This means that more material goes out of the volcano than is thrown in. I think the conclusion is obvious.
Keep throwing those rocks in. With enough time, there will be nothing left of the dreaded volcano!
Apart from natural disasters, there is also the possibility of some form of evil intent playing a part in the end of our fair Neopia. Rest assured, dark figures capable of engineering a doomsday device of some sort do, in fact, roam our world. Apart from our renowned and infamous villains, there are also those creatures that lurk in the shadows, waiting for their time to strike and execute their most devious plans.
One of these possible plans is world-wide mind control. It's not as far-fetched as it may sound; the evidence of earlier attempts of such large scale plots hangs over our heads in the shape of the Virtupets Space Station! Indeed, Neopia has had enough experience to accept the possibility of world-wide mind control.
Mind control is actually a much-debated subject, the general consensus being that the one and only way to prevent control is a tinfoil hat. With minimal research, I was able to confirm this strategy is at least partially effective, but only when the hat is perfectly cone or pyramid shaped. When I tested the effectiveness of a square tinfoil hat, I ended up face down in a dung heap outside Meridell with no memories of the past eight hours. I can conclude that experimentation and variations of the basic cone shape is not advisable.
My recommendation is a carefully shaped tinfoil hat. Carefully shaped, mind you. VERY carefully.
Giant Flying Squid Monsters from the Depths of the Ocean
Any pet that has fished in the Maraquan ruins can tell you of the Things that roam those dark water. Old, ancient, elder Things. It is said a single glance of their convoluted presence can drive a Neopian insane. Sometimes, strange things are fished up by these brave pets that dare cast their line in deep, underground caves. This terror of the deep seas seems always just out of reach and I have not been able to gather a lot of material about it. I am very sure, however, that its danger is very real. Why, I believe I have glimpsed It one dark evening; it's a miracle I still have my sanity!
All I can conclude about this threat, is that there is no escape. The terror will haunt us in ominous silence until it attack without warning, or Neopia is struck by some other disaster and there is nothing anyone can do. Nothing, I say! Nothing!
So honestly, you're better off going back to your turnip collection and worrying about the more mundane threats to our daily existence like forest fires and earthquakes.
I bid you farewell for now, citizens of Neopia, in the hope to return with further advice on the many possibilities of the Apocalypse!