Ten Ways Not to Get to Goldrun
Also by hidden_0_o
I imagine that right now, many people are telling you about this new, mysterious location. Whispers float along the twilight mist, mouths forming a single word: "Goldrun." Like any curious Neopian, you probably strive to find out the secrets to accessing this land. We, Susie and Emma, knowing of your curiosity, have compiled a list of somethings that you may try to gain access. But, note the word "try." Not "complete successfully." No, not at all. In fact, here are ten ways to not get to Goldrun!
#1 - Going to Shenkuu and digging a deep, deep hole
Although Goldrun seems to be located on the other side of map relative to Shenkuu, shoveling land out of Bonju's land does not seem a good idea. Just imagine the resources and time needed to make that possible! First, you would need the said item; however, in TNT’s evil attempts to limit our ability to reach Goldrun, they only made five shovels, three of which are “limited use.” Furthermore, you would need to purchase the My 1st Shovel book to understand the mechanism of the instrument and the advanced techniques to maneuver it. Next, the digging part: we don’t think that that would be anywhere near easy. You would have to consider the diameter of Neopia, in addition to facts such as the hardness of the surface, the temperature at the core, and the remote possibility of digging into a Symol settlement.
#2 - Running after gold
Yes, Illusen "Green" Day, the seventeenth of March, may have just recently passed. No, that does not mean that you can go sprinting down that mysterious-looking rainbow beginning smack dab in the middle of Neopia Central. Though the town's name may be "Goldrun," it does not mean that "running" down said rainbow to find a pot of "gold," which according to stories sits at the end of a rainbow, should ensue. In this case, I highly doubt that this new land's name gives any hint whatsoever as to its whereabouts. For all I care, it could be named "Dungyville." But, of course, don't deny my advice completely. For, while you may not find the town you were dreaming of, a pot of gold is an ample reward for just a few miles of running.
#3 - Mixing food items in Bonju's Vessel
That Orange Blumaroo has a magic cooking pot and Neopians love to think that the answer to all of this world's mysteries can be solved by adding some nachos and sprinkles of salt and maybe some teaspoons of olive oil and *PLIM* you have your avatar, or whatever it is you are seeking. However, there’s no *PLIM* to concoctions of this chef as avatar collectors have, by the dozens, left the cooking pot with a deject expression as the result of failure, or tired lungs as the result of unstoppable yelling, or a “powdered face” as the result of something other than make up.
#4 - Spamming the Neoboards
OMGISKALDNCMEKLSLK!!!111! WERE IS DA GLDRUUNNN?!~
Yeah, probably not the most effective method of finding Goldrun. I mean, it didn't help anyone find Bonju. If you make a board, maybe you can find someone who will help look with you. If you make two, hey - double the chances. Four, the fun's dead. Twenty, whoa. Stop right there. That's a lot of Goldrun love for one hidden city. When something's hidden, chances are it's because it doesn't want to be found. So don't force fate - let her come to you.
Of course, there is that beautifully sparkling board called "Other Worlds." With no other secret Neopian Worlds and Jelly World being proven a hoax, what is there to talk about? Surely Goldrun will spark interest - just make sure not too much.
#5 - Asking the Mystery Island Mystic
Trust me, I have tried that before, and guess what he told me? "You will have stolen from you most of your Neopoints in Kiko Lake." Well, first off, dear Mr. I am a failure at interpreting questions, I asked you if I would be able to get to Goldrun. Goldrun does not remotely resemble or sound like Kiko Lake. Second, dear Mr. I would fail the language classes at Neoschool, your syntax is confusing. Did you mean that most of my Neopoints that are in Kiko Lake will be stolen or that most of my Neopoints will be stolen once I get to Kiko Lake, which brings me to... Third, dear Mr. I cannot get my facts right, I do not have any Neopoints logged in that Lake, nor do I ever travel there, making your prophecy unfulfillable. See, this Kyrii man is of no help and the only reason to talk to him is to see if one day he will mumble the word "Kyrii" and give you a prize.
#6 - Completing 100 of Jhudora's quests
Don't you dare tell her I said this, but 100, even 1000 of Jhudora's quests won't gain you access to Goldrun. She may smile poison, laugh lies, but don't fall into her trap. No, she'll give you weapons and grooming items if that's what you want and can afford. But, she will never hand over a sketchy cardboard box containing foam to pad a fall, protecting a starved manila folder, inside of which is a small cream-colored slip of paper, upon which is written: "TICKET TO GOLDRUN."
Naw, that would simply be too convenient.
#7 - Sending a question to the Neopian Times editorial
Not that I am doubting the Neopian Times editors' efficacy and knowledge, but I do not think asking them would be a good idea. Consider the fact that there are thousands of Neopians, and that many of them submit multiple inquiries to the Times each week; the editor is surely flooded with questions. Also, by the time that you write the question, stamp it, have a Weewoo deliver it to the newspapers' headquarters, have a dedicated expert on the subject read and answer it, and have it published on the Neopian Times, who knows what may have happened in Goldrun? Maybe they won't need your help anymore, and your question will have occupied the space of a much more important query such as "Hai TNT! Did you guys know that you rock and roll and rule and spin and jump and inflate?" Oh, and you should also note that I am trying to boycott the editorial until they tell me when TNT will release a Banana Chia.
#8 - Talking to the DMBGPoP
Aw, have you ever seen that poor blue Grundo Plushie lying in the corner of one of Faerieland's clouds? His name is TDMBGPOP, or "The Discarded Magical Blue Grundo Plushie of Prosperity." Upon walking up to him, you might see his red eyes glistening with loneliness, a wish for companionship. It is suggested that you talk to him, so it would only be natural to assume he might give information about Goldrun.
Alas, that is not the case. He's so depressed he will only say "..." more often than not. Unless you're a particularly talented psychologist, trying to ease information out of this plushie is probably harder than you think. Poor TDMBGPOP. Maybe he never learned to talk because his name was such a mouthful...
#9 - Defeating Aristotle A. Avinroo
I am sorry, but you may have spent the whole month of March doing those dreaded AAA challenges in hopes of finding a way to get to Goldrun all in vain. As difficult as beating this gamer is, you will not find your directions to this city in one of those mysterious boxes. Nope, they would rather give you a "Homemade Polarchuck Costume Head" for some unknown purpose.
#10 - Neomailing the authors of a Neopian Times article about finding Goldrun
Believe it or not, we know nothing.
There aren't many times you'll hear moderately-successful - you are reading our work right now, aren't you? - writers utter those words. But here we are, and we know nothing.
Neomailing us will not give you any insight, no it'll just confuse you and anger us.
Angry Susie and Emma are no fun.
ASLKENGKL GET ME MY COFFEE!
But, of course you can neomail us about other things, like the weather! Just preferably not angry rants about Goldrun. You can even neomail us happy rants about Goldrun! Just again, please not angry rants about Goldrun.
Thank you, and have a fun time not finding Goldrun, folks!