teh 1337est n00zpaper Circulation: 128,614,511 Issue: 257 | 15th day of Gathering, Y8
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series

22 Ways to Collect Usukis and Keep Your Reputation

by lucretia292


Come on, admit it. You've got a growing collection of Usuki Dolls in your Safety Deposit Box, but you don't want people going around saying you're soft. Maybe it's because you're a Pirate, or a boy. Your friends know you as the tough one, and you can't go out and buy those Usuki Dolls you want, because they could see you. Yep. At least half of us Neopians have been there, done that. Are still doing it, in fact.

So, now I am here to tell things to do, or say, while you're out buying those Usuki Dolls for yourself. Of course, first, you may want a course in lying. Unfortunately, I'm not going to give you one. You're on your own with that.

Tip #1: As you're entering the shop, make sure that all Neopians hear you muttering, "I can't believe that my sister is sick with Neomonia. And that my owner is making ME buy her some Usuki Dolls to make her feel better!"

Tip #2: This tip is only for the really rich Neopians who need to conceal their obsession. Every time you're ready to go out and get yourself that new Usuki Doll, paint yourself a different color. Buy the doll, and then go back and paint yourself your usual color. It's expensive, but it's probably the best way to hide your obsession.

Tip #3: This is actually a different, cheaper way of doing Tip #2, and it doesn't work nearly as well, but most Neopians can afford it. Buy a bunch of makeup, all kinds (it usually comes cheap), and buy a huge, oversized T-shirt. (You can get these for cheap as well). Put on a ton of makeup, wear fake, gaudy, girlish earrings, (if you already have these, then you shouldn't be reading this guide, as you're obviously already a Usuki-obsession-disguising master, or you're a girly pet, and therefore shouldn't be reading this guide either), and wear the oversized T-shirt. Develop a fake accent. (Say, if you're from Mystery Island, try a Faerieland or Tyrannian accent, and vice versa.) Do this whenever that elusive Usuki is on the shelves.

Tip #4: This one's really simple. Get your girlish-type sibling to go for you. The only drawback is that they usually sell their services rather than give them away. If they are giving them away, then don't do it. It's a trick. They're on to you, and want to have proof for your friends. They want to humiliate you. Put at least a thousand Neopoints into their service (per doll), however, and you're good to go.

Tip #5: Pretend to have been temporarily blinded by the Snowager's blast, Wheel of Excitement, etc. Feel your way around, pick up the doll you know you want, buy it, then pretend to regain your vision and then look at it and scream "Hey! This isn't a weapon! What in Neopia is this place? It's all pink! Arrgh, get me out of here! I'm never going to the (insert chosen excuse of blindness here) again!" Then beg the shopkeeper for a refund. (They won't give you one.) Next, run out screaming, straight to the Money Tree, all the while saying loudly things such as "That shopkeeper is so mean!" "What a waste of Neopoints!" "Shouldn't that silly shopkeeper have KNOWN that I didn't belong in there?" "Ew, ew, ew, get this thing AWAY from me!" and so on. Pretend to drop it in the donation pile, but secretly sneak it into a cloak, pocket, backpack, etc.

Tip #6: Tell the truth. If your friends can't accept you for who you are, then they're not really your friends.

Tip #7: Ignore Tip #6.

Tip #8: ANYWAYS... go to the shop at night. Just before it closes, run in, and buy the item you want, and run out.

Tip #9: Walk into the store muttering about stupid dares. Buy a Usuki Doll, and leave muttering about stupid dares all the way to the Safety Deposit Box.

Tip #10: Become a multimillionaire. Then, your friends won't dare criticize your obsession for fear of being written out of the will.

Tip #11: Say it's a Dark Faerie Quest. Unless, of course, you're a faerie... well, then, there are 21 other tips to follow, right?

Tip #12: Buy from the marketplace. Take the Usuki Doll (make sure it's right next to an item your reputation claims you would want) and buy it quickly. Then look at it and scream, then beg for a refund. (After extensive-and sometimes painful-research, I have found that these marketplace shop owners are even less forgiving than the Usuki shopkeeper, and they sometimes have really good battle pets. *winces* Fyora, that STILL hurts... somebody find me Lawyerbot, I'm gonna sue that JubJub... )

Tip #13: *This is a Lawyerbot announcement. There will be no Tip #13, as the number 13 is an unlucky number. In the future, do not even bother to include a number 13 anything. It will be instantly blocked, just like the -blocked-.*

Tip #14: Hey, why is Lawyerbot being chased with weapons? I need him to help me sue the JubJub that gave me this black eye! Can you at least wait until AFTER I get the hundred thousand Neopoints and medical coverage?

Tip #15: Wow, you've actually made it to Tip #15? You didn't ditch this article already? Well, good for you! Oh, yeah, this is supposed to be a tip... Ummm... run in, run out?

Tip #16: Go on April Fool's Day. If anyone asks, tell them to shush, you are trying to freak your friends out by buying a bunch of Usuki Dolls. Parade them down the street, all the way to the safety deposit box. The next day, explain to your friends that this was all a joke. You will all laugh for years about this, only you will be laughing because they believed you.

Tip #17: Get lying classes, for Pete's sake! I'm watching you; you've failed in doing all this stuff so far (Except Tip #6)! And who is Pete, anyway, and why do we care about his well-being?

Tip #18: This is for lying pros only. Seriously, do Tip #17 before attempting this, and make it to at least Liar Level Twenty-Five. Claim to be a rogue programmer, and say that you have perfected a way of making Usuki Dolls into world-taking-over robots for Dr. Sloth. After your collection is completed, say you gave it to Dr. Sloth, but he laughed and rejected you. Act hurt. Speaking of which, acting classes wouldn't hurt, either. They're at the same school as the lying classes.

Tip #19: Get an alias. This is also helpful if you want to become a criminal mastermind. Note: Do not attempt until Liar Level 100, and Acting Level Thirty-Nine. I am not responsible for paying your bail if you get caught by the Chia Police. (Okay, Lawyerbot! I regret saving you from the angry mob! *mob cheers, Lawyerbot screams and runs, mob chases after him*)

Tip #20: Complete your collection, then buy a morphing potion to change both species AND color, and not two similar species (i.e. Usul to Xweetok) either. Name should be changed also. Flee to a completely different world (preferably on a separate continent.) Begin life over again. This time, I'd advise against getting a reputation that would keep you from collecting, in case more Usukis come out.

Tip #21: Train as hard as you can, in all the stats. That way, the other Neopians will let you do what you want, because they'll be afraid of you. (This is pretty much like the one about the money, but it's way cooler because it involves FEAR! which is awesome. Agree with the heavy notebook!)

Tip #22: Don't take any of this stuff seriously! I'm just being weird. (As usual.) It's all just for fun. Now, of course, if you're as loony as me... well, now we're getting somewhere. Go ahead; if you want... but trust me, the Neopians will laugh at you more for taking my advice than for collecting Usukis. (Again, tried and tested by myself... not even years of therapy will make me forget the humiliation... )

Good luck on collecting those Usukis! Now, excuse me, because I have to go contact my therapist.

If you're reading this, that means I'm in the Neopian Times! Go me! Yes, I am cliché, I know. Who cares? *does a little dance* Oh, well, now that you've seen me dance, here's my therapist's number. Hey, she loves more 'friends!' ~Lucretia

Search the Neopian Times

Great stories!


The Peophin Incident: Part Eight
"Kaerhas! Chaelian!" Teirryn called, suddenly recognizing his two companions. If they heard him, they didn't respond. Teirryn sped up, fear lending him strength...

by kyrinn


A Spyder's always a Spyder, I guess...

by mcgirlcat


1ns4n1t3 aka Insanity
Tell me again why you bought a mutant kadoatie?

by snowangel771


No Game Here: Extreme Rider
The chase is on.

Art by 13blackdragons

by hello5346

Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.