An Editorial - Tandrak Shaye Style
As you should be well aware by now, the Altador Cup is now over. The city of
Altador is no longer flooded with tourists wearing their team colours and screaming
wildly about their heroes. The souvenir shop has long been sold out. The only
things in the Colosseum now are a few forgotten cans of Neocola and a weary
Kacheek caretaker sweeping up dust. Every team has trailed dejectedly back home...
except Haunted Woods, who went cheering triumphantly back to their gloomy forest,
clutching their glorious golden trophy.
But there are still a lot of questions about the Altador Cup that were never
answered, I thought as I looked at the pictures of the delighted Haunted Woods
fans in the Neopian Times one morning. Like, did anyone cheat during a game?
Did any of the Yooyus suddenly go on a mad rampage, crushing everyone in the
stalls? What did the teams that dropped out in the first rounds feel like? And,
most importantly, what was that Roo Island goalkeeper's, Clutch Billaban, favourite
colour?! Because I have a highly intelligent and curious mind (or because I
had nothing better do, as the case may be) I decided to answer these important
questions, for the good of Neopia. And so off I set, with my rucksack, pen and
paper, and, because no good Neopian Times reporter goes without one, a good
First, I went to the Haunted Woods. After a long and terrifying journey through
the dark trees, I emerged more or less unscathed - except for that arm I lost
and the gaping wound where my foot used to be - right in the middle of the celebrations,
where fans and team alike were rejoicing in their glory. I tried to get close
to Zo Junior to ask him if he would answer some of my fellow Neopians' questions,
but he was too busy signing autographs to hear me. Fanetti and Wan Dirx were
too busy dancing around a huge fire and polishing their shiny new trophy to
talk to me. Chelo Binay told me quite rudely that I should go and kiss a Mortog
- I told her I was no good at Kiss The Mortog, but she was beginning to get
angry - so I left her alone. And Krell Vitor... well... I preferred to keep
my head on my neck rather than in the jaws of a Halloween Kyrii. So basically,
I couldn't get hold of Haunted Woods.
I decided to try and rope the Darigan Citadel into my little plan instead.
Layton Vickles just poked his rather disturbingly long tongue out at me when
I asked him, Mungo Lifler implied that he would throw me off the side of the
Citadel if I didn't stop bothering him - I only prodded him with that stick
three times, for Coltzan's sake - Tormo Frein ran away when he saw me coming
towards him - I think Mungo might have told him bad things about me and my stick
- and Kep Bonnefie, of course, couldn't talk. However, Tandrak Shaye couldn't
run fast enough to get away from me and couldn't think of a credible excuse
to get rid of me, so I dragged him to a quiet corner of the Citadel and showered
all the letters containing questions upon questions from inquisitive fans upon
him until he agreed to answer a few queries. He tried to sneak away once or
twice, but a few good smacks of the stick soon showed him the error of his ways.
And now, without further ado, here are the questions Tandrak Shaye, that lovable
Darigan Gelert, answered for us.
How do you feel about losing the Altador Cup, you pathetic Darigan failure?
- Happy Haunted Woods supporter
"How do you think I feel?! That cup was ours. OURS. You cheated!! Everyone
knows Krell Vitor can't be trusted!! (At this point, I had to give Tandrak
a bit of a tap with the stick to keep him on topic.) Anyway, I feel absolutely
devastated... though of course, there is always next year, when Darigan Yooyuball
players everywhere will rise up and crush Haunted Woods into the dust! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Have you ever had a petpet? - Questioning Kiko Lake supporter
"Yes, I had a little Warf named Gary once. But one day I was playing Meepit
Juice Break and he jumped up onto one of the pipes and broke it... and... and... the
Meepits were everywhere... and... and... (Me: Are you crying?)... NO!"
Is it true that you originally wanted to be goalkeeper instead of right
forward? - Curious Kreludor supporter
"No. I've always wanted to be a right forward. We get all the glory! Sure,
maybe Mungo gets the credit for actually stopping the Yooyu from going in the
goal. But we forwards are the ones everyone remembers! We're even first on the
list on the Player Info page. I mean, everyone has heard of that forward, Teylore
Nix from Mystery Island, but no one ever remembers, say, Meela Kitah from Kiko
Lake. Who was she again? See, I've forgotten! We usually have possession of
the Yooyu too, so we get pictures taken of us and everything. Hahahhha, in your
Some people are saying that Vitri Sitol, that Gelert who plays left forward
for Meridell, is actually your brother. - Mystified Maraqua supporter
"HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT?! How can I, THE MOST IMPORTANT DARIGAN NEOPET EVER,
be related to some FAINT-HEARTED MERIDELLIAN?! Are you deliberately trying to
start another war? Honestly, just because we're both Gelerts does NOT make us
long-lost relatives. The idea is ridiculous. Hmph."
In order of preference, who do you like best out of your team members? -
Dedicated Darigan supporter
"First of all, congratulations on being a Darigan supporter. Its nice to see
someone who knows what's good for them. Anyway, in answer to your question,
my absolute favourite out of my team has to be Kep Bonnefie. Unlike the others,
she keeps her mouth shut and lets me tell the others what to do. Now there is
a good member of a team. Next, I would have to choose Layton Vickles - you have
to admit, he really looks the part of a Darigan Neopet. After him, we would
have that scrawny Tormo Frein. Dear Coltzan, that moron NEVER leaves me alone.
Its always, "Why are you kicking me, Tandrak?" or "Why didn't you snatch the
Yooyu from me when I was going to score, Tandrak?" or "Please let me go, you're
hurting me, Tandrak." He just won't shut up! And then in last place, we have
that moronic oaf, Mungo Lifler. Don't even TALK to me about that stuck-up snob
of a goalkeeper. Just because I accidentally scored in our own goal one match..."
What is training practise like? - An Interested Altador supporter
"One word: Boring. Boring, boring, boring, boring. All we do is throw a Yooyu
around for a while, and then Tormo Frein starts whining that I hit him on purpose,
and then Mungo gets on my case just because I try to tell him that he's a terrible
goalkeeper, and then Layton Vickles starts poking everyone with that tongue
of his, and then Kep Bonnefie wanders off with the Yooyu, and then we all go
home, come back the next day and start all over again. Honestly. They're like
a bunch of babies... (spies me eating a Raspberry Sweetie) Hey, give
me one of those!!!! I want a sweetie!!!! (I put the question-answering on
hold for a few seconds while I use the stick to explain that no one touches
my Raspberry Sweeties.)"
My horrible, Faerieland fan brother stole my Darigan Citadel Team Jersey.
How should I do? - Distraught Darigan supporter
"Take revenge. Take revenge NOW. Stop reading this right now, and go and find
your pathetic faerie of a brother, and throw your Darigan Citadel Team Water
Bottle at him - believe me, there are a LOT of spikes on that thing. Then, when
he's shivering on the floor, go and take it back. Oh, and while you're there,
steal his Faerieland Team Pennant and rip it up before his eyes. Mwahahahaha,
you just can't beat taking revenge."
What would you like to do for a job if you didn't play Yooyuball? - Brooding
"Hmm... .that's a tough one... I think I'd like to work in the Darigan Toys shop.
(He notices my strange look.) What? I can like toys if I want to! Besides,
I'd get to chew on Wind Up Lisha Toys all day."
Which is your favourite type of Yooyu? - Crazed Krawk Island supporter
"Oooh, the faerie one - I mean, uh, the mutant one. They are so darned cool-looking."
Did you meet King Altador during the tournament? - Loving Lost Desert supporter
"Yes, I did. He invited all the teams to come to a special feast in the Hall
of Heroes before the first match started. He was nice enough, but he kept walking
around and asking everyone what their team was like, what they thought their
strong points were, what their weaknesses were... I answered his questions,
but when he started to say, "If I was to offer you one million Neopoints, would
you consider letting Altador win in the next match you pla-" Mungo grabbed my
arm and pulled me away before I could hear the rest of King Altador's sentence!
How rude is that?! I mean, if he was talking to, say, Fyora, I wouldn't just
go marching up to him and dragging him off! That stupid Skeith doesn't have
any manners. Its not like he owns me or something, though he's so stuck up he
probably thinks he does, because he thinks everything is about him and that
no one else matters, like he is some sort of king and the rest of us are just
Slorgs to be stepped on, and..."
After about three quarters of an hour of ranting about Mungo, Tandrak began
to foam at the mouth, so I decided to slip away as fast as possible. I managed
to get halfway across the citadel before he noticed I had gone, and he came
chasing after me demanding to know why I ran away. I was luckily able to fend
him off with my trusty stick, and I got home without too many scratches and
bites and Darigan spikes embedded in my arms.
So there we have it - every frequently asked and unanswered question about
the Altador Cup has now been answered. I guess its time for me to sign off now...
...oh dear. Tandrak seems to have followed me home - or at least I assume so,
considering that he has broken into my Neohome and is continuing to ask why
I don't want to listen to the rest of his rant about Mungo.
Now where did I put that stick...