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Dismissing the Myths About Sloth Minions


by darkerstrife

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SPACE STATION - Hello? Is the microphone on? Okay.

Hello there. I'm Strife, Virtupets extraordinaire. Welcome to my article, "Dismissing the Myths About Sloth Minions".

When you hear the words "Sloth minion", what comes to mind? How would you describe a Sloth minion? Some call them evil. Others call them stupid. Or weird. The point is, not many people like to hang out with followers of Dr. Sloth (I mean, he did try to blow Neopia into a second sun).

But if you think about it, being a Sloth minion (or even a friend of a Sloth minion) isn't that bad. If anything, we should respect them, because they openly believe in a cause that is frowned upon by the rest of Neopia. Contrary to popular belief, Sloth minions are not mindless drones who constantly boast about their master's achievements. I am here to prove this.

So without further ado, I will list the most common myths about Sloth minions and explain why they are far from the truth.

    MYTH #1 : The only reason people join Sloth is because they're greedy and only care about themselves.

This myth applies to some people, but not all of them. Obviously, you won't gain any Neopoints by supporting Sloth, but most minions already know this.

Actually, the #1 reason why people join Sloth is because they want to become more powerful. Power is always a nice thing, and for a Sloth minion, it's as easy as strapping on a Virtupets Megacon Helmet and entering the field of battle. Power isn't bad, if you can learn to control it. This is actually why I joined Sloth, because with power comes a great deal of respect. And of course, i've grown to respect many other people; my Neofriend list goes on and on.

    MYTH #2 : Sloth minions hate Neopets.

This is absolutely not true! Take a look around Neopia Central. If you look hard enough, you'll notice that all Sloth supporters have something in common: they own Neopets themselves. And they love and care for them just like other Neopians (even though they may have fed them a Transmogrification Potion or two).

Sloth himself despises all Neopets, and yet, he still allows his humanoid workers to own them. After all, each Neopet is a potential soldier in his eyes, ready to do his bidding on request.

Sloth minions may want to take over the world, but that doesn't mean that they want to eradicate all life in Neopia. They just want to shape life in a way that suits their Slothyful desires.

    MYTH #3 : Sloth minions are identical to Sloth in every way, right down to his stylish hairdo.

Only the most insane minions idolize Sloth in such an extreme way (except on Halloween and casual Fridays). We call them "Evil Sloth Clones". But basically, we don't have to look or think like the Doctor in order to be in his army.

We just have to follow three basic rules:

1. Dr. Sloth is always right.

2. If Dr. Sloth is wrong, see Rule 1.

3. Don't complain about the Crown Roast Beef. It's only served on weekends, and even then, Sloth is always the first in line in the cafeteria.

    MYTH #4 : You should never be Neofriends with a Sloth minion. They can't be trusted.

Like I've been saying, we minions are a lot like normal Neopians, and we have the same kinds of feelings. Sure, a few of us are so evilishly evil that we really shouldn't be trusted. But for the most part, a lot of minions are very friendly and willing to help other people when they need it. We fit in nicely with any type of community. Kreludor, the Lost Desert, Maraqua, you name it, and Sloth minions are there, living normal, comfortable lives. If we weren't, then the Virtupets Space Station would become extremely crowded.

The green-skinned Doctor himself doesn't like this sort of co-existence between his soldiers and the rest of Neopia, but he can't watch us 24/7, now can he? :P

So when you're thinking about adding somebody to your Neofriend list, try to think about their personality, and not their occupation as a Sloth minion.

    MYTH #5 : Sloth minions smell like dung.

Umm, no. We're actually very clean folk. We take baths, brush our teeth after meals, and wash our slimey green hands just like everyone else. ;)

    MYTH #6 : Being a Sloth minion isn't fun, because they always lose to the good guys.

Nobody ever said that losing had to be bad. Sure, winning is better, but a lot can be learned from losing as well. Sloth's plans for global domination may have failed in the past, but he keeps coming back for more. Why? Because being evil is just too much fun!

We may keep losing to Neopia's heroes, but that doesn't really bother us. In fact, to be a Sloth minion, you have to learn to gracefully accept defeat, and, most importantly, to keep trying. We learn from our mistakes and we grow stronger after every villainous plot. Everyone, not just Sloth minions, should learn to be persistent and to keep trying until you reach your goals.

*

Well, I believe that I have covered all of the major myths about Sloth minions. So the next time your best friend steps into your room and discovers your collection of Sloth posters, simply give them a reasonable explanation based on the myths above.

If, by any chance, you are planning to join Sloth's conquest, don't be afraid of losing Neofriends or respect. A true Neofriend would like you for who you are, not by who you worship. Just remember to wash your hands after handling piles of sludge, and you'll be okay.

If you're a Sloth minion, don't let anything hold you back. Be the biggest, evilest, and most Slothyful person you can be! If you hate Sloth... then, well, watch out, and be prepared. Strife out.

This article is sponsored by the united Sloth loyalists of Virtupets Inc., paid for in part by Sloth's Invasion Tax. Please pretend you didn't hear the words "Invasion Tax". Thank you for your cooperation.

 
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