It's the thing we all crave. And I'm not talking about that tasty Dung & Pineapple
Pie. I'm talking about that adrenaline rush, that surge of excitement. The very
thing that only extreme sports, or at least extreme stupidity, can satisfy.
Neopia is, sadly, somewhat lacking in this department -- no, not in the department
of extreme stupidity (we've got plenty of that -- just look at me), I mean in
the department of extreme sport. I'm not saying that endlessly counting drab
brown potatoes isn't fun -- I'm just saying that some like to get our kicks
in a slightly more exciting fashion. Some hunt Chias, others beat up Punchbag
Bob. Others play sports.
But take note that these 'sports' don't exactly include activities like 'Pin
The Tail On The Nimmo In The Donkey Suit'. So, what exactly do these sports
include? Well, ol' Bluescorchio104, your resident voice of reason (or may be
that's the voice protesting against reason -- I forget) will guide you through
the most gnarly activities Neopia has to offer. Not to mention that handy thrill
rating I'll give each activity, rated out of ten.
Equipment: You'll probably need some kind of waterproof clothing -- raincoats
and ponchos are ideal. And make sure you have plenty of soap at home -- you'll
need it. Surfboards, admittedly, are hard to come by in Neopia. So, you may
have to improvise. Use an old ironing board or even a plank of discarded wood.
Don't worry if your makeshift board doesn't stay afloat in ordinary water --
all of those mysterious lumps in the sewage will keep you afloat (cue reader
Technique: Well, now you have your equipment, all you need to know is how to
surf those dung-ridden waves like a pro. Matt The Wocky, Neopia's resident sewage
surfer and part-time plumber will teach you tame those waves and become master
of the pipes. I, on the other hand, will teach you the bare essentials, which
comprise of five rules, otherwise known as the five K's:
1. Keep your feet on the board. Use glue, string -- anything it takes. Just
make sure you're standing on the side of the board that's NOT underwater.
2. Keep your cool. When seeing a giant wave about to swamp you and your faithful
ironing board, don't panic. Just keep a level head, and paddle out of the way.
Preferably use something besides your hands to paddle with -- that sewage can
get mighty chunky.
3. Koncentrate. Don't try to knit a cardigan, munch a Zeenana and balance a
rubber duck on your head while riding a killer wave. On second thought, keep
the duck on your head. No particular reason.
4. Keep your balance. Shift your weight to change direction if needed, but
in the narrow confines of sewage pipes, this isn't likely to come in handy.
However, the ability to balance on a narrow strip of wood is extremely useful,
especially as it helps with the first K rule.
5. Keep your sanity. Wearing a straitjacket while surfing really makes the
first and fourth K rules hard to follow. In fact, being sensible and sane is
probably the biggest asset you can have while taking part in any extreme sport.
Not losing your sanity may be hard, but it may be worth it. Not that I would
know. My sanity wandered off years ago, and I haven't seen it since. I knew
I should have bought it a leash…
(Now, some of you may debate that the word 'Koncentrate' doesn't start with
a K. But how else do you want me to spell it? You can't have 'The four K's and
one C', can you? It would be more ridiculous than someone refusing a delicious
Dung & Pineapple Pie. Or more ridiculous than Adam publicly announcing that
he secretly hates Asparagus.)
Thrill Rating: 9 ½.
Move over mountain climbing and abseiling, hello cliff hanging! This sport
is somewhat cleaner than Sewage Surfing, but a heck of a lot tougher. Sure,
it's easier if you happen to be Usul or Mynci, but not all of us are used to
climbing, clambering, and scrambling up and down in general. Kikos may struggle
with this activity just ever so slightly.
Unlike that poor green Tuskaninny in Cliffhanger, you don't need to be at the
mercy of some spelling-challenged player. Instead, you can be at the mercy of
howling winds, vertical slippery rock faces, shoddy equipment, and small green
Grundos who hurl snowballs at you in the mistaken belief that you're a mountain
monster. Sounds fun, huh?
Equipment: A cliff -- duh. Terror Mountain's cliffs are good for those expert
climbers, while beginner may be more suited to the smaller crags of Tyrannia.
Do you need Shoyru Grappling Hooks perhaps? Nope. Unless you're a Shoyru, in
which case you can just hover in the air, and you'll get no thrill hanging off
a cliff at all. Most of us will have to make do with Sticky Hands. Not ideal
in summer, when the usually solid ice on Terror Mountain starts to melt away
and turn to slush. I suggest that you just bring along a Mad Umbrella or Striped
Balloons- very useful if you fall. A tasty pie of some description would be
good too- not to cushion you if you fall, but to keep your strength up. There
aren't an awful lot of hotdog vendors around when you're dangling off a sheer
cliff face, you see. Bring sturdy boots as well- not those mismatched, hole-ridden
boots you find in MeriAcres Farm. Oh yeah- bring a helmet. A saucepan will do-
not only are saucepans sturdy, you'll looks so ridiculous wearing it that it'll
give everyone a good laugh. Great for keeping up the spirits of fellow cliff
Technique: In short -- hang on. For as long as you possibly can, that is. Most
of the fun is in climbing the mountain to the cliff in the first place, and
abseiling down. But hanging around is fun too.
Thrill rating: 8
This sport, unfortunately, can only take place on the steep slopes of Terror
Mountain. However, hurtling down a treacherous icy incline can give a buzz like
no other. Especially if you're hurtling towards a tree or obstacle, in which
case the buzz is generally one of terror, not excitement. Ouch.
Equipment: Grab your handy makeshift surfboard, and pop into the Tiki Tack
souvenir shop for a few Acorn Toys. You'll see why later.
Technique: Trek up to the highest peak in Neopia- Terror Mountain. Chances
are, you'll meet a few skiing Usuls taking up the best slopes. This is where
the acorns come into play. Yell out, chuck them away from the slope, and watch
the Usuls take off after them. Of course, they may just be running away from
the stench of your snowboard. Maybe you should have washed it after sewage surfing
with it, huh? In any case, this will leave the slope free for you to snowboard
to heart's content. Snowboarding is basically much like surfing, but with no
stench (apart from the stench of failure when you tumble down that mountain
countless times), and no dung tsunamis rumbling around the corner. Just remember
the five K's- or the Five K's and one C for all you fussy, finicky people out
That brings to a close part one of 'Extreme Sport-Neopian Style'. Read the
Neopian Times next week for part two! Or, if you hated part one, stay far away
from The Neopian Times next week. Far, far away.