Etiquette in Neopia (Or When NOT to Belch, For Some of You)
NEOPIA CENTRAL - Neopian etiquette is something everybody wonders about, yet no
one ever gives you the answer to. I mean, what if you're dining in the Lost Desert,
and you have no CLUE as to which part of the Grakle Bug you eat first? Now THAT'S
embarrassing -- almost as embarrassing as explaining which end you DO eat first.
Or, say, if you're eating with some cannibals (or vice versa) and you haven't
the slightest where to put the 'napkin' they gave you. Personally, I wouldn't
want to offend a bunch of hungry cannibals. So that's what I'm hoping to do --
not get eaten. Actually, I'm hoping to breakdown each world's etiquette quirks,
one by one, in no particular order. So sit back in your seat, twiddle your fork,
and poke people with it at random, simply because this introduction is dragging
on a bit.
Since Neopia Central is pretty much a big melting pot of people and pets,
it doesn't really HAVE any particularly outstanding etiquette system. However,
I'll use this spot to talk about something a lot of people have been wondering
about -- the 2/5/10 second rule.
Really, in Neopia, there is no X-second rule. No, dung no. It's more of a
"Hmm, looks fresh, can't be older than a few months... and HEY-- it's carbon
based! What luck!" After all, there's no such thing as the Upsetstomachies,
so even those Year 1 Nachos are edible. Heck, things can be eaten in Neopia
even if they've already been DIGESTED. So I wouldn't worry about seconds, or
even looking fresh, as long as it's carbon based. Of course, if you own a Skeith
or a Grarrl, not even THAT matters.
In the Haunted woods, you're lucky if you YOURSELF are not eaten. Forget etiquette
-- if it moves, and you can take it out, what are you waiting for? I mean, manners
aren't even taken into account in a place where blood, eyeballs, and brains
are on the menu. Plus, the Esophagor isn't really known for setting a good example
as far as polite eating goes. Or polite cursing, for that matter. And dung,
this guy isn't even a good example for using the magic words! I can't even believe
I'm mentioning the guy in article about being POLITE. And what about -- WHOA!
Speak of the devil! Uh... I suddenly feel like my -- OW -- my brain is coming
out of my skull... and a tail... and I'm green... and I have fangs... and no
opposable thumb... and... AHHHHH!
Okay, I think this place has to be sorted into two sections -- terror mountain's
top, and everything else.
On the TOP of Terror Mountain, it is proper etiquette to bring one's friend's
head on a platter, as long as it is a very shiny platter, and everyone is doing
the fork chant. Furthermore, it is proper stuff an apple in one's friend's head,
and spike their hair up ridiculously, adding little cross-marks on their glasses
for flair. Also, it is perfectly polite to request ridiculously expensive Chocolates
for menial rewards, as long as you have a nice smile, and a bizarre igloo-like
thing. On a final note, do NOT eat near ANY cliffs when ice-picnicing, because
people might start shouting letters at you, and suddenly you will feel the uncontrollable
urge to walk off a cliff. I believe this is because it is considered improper
to eat in the snow near a cliff, probably because... um, I think it's just a
good excuse to force funny-looking tourists off cliffs.
Then, when you move down to a cold closet of a cave known as "The Ice Caves"
(despite there being ONE, and not two or more), all that is kosher changes immediately.
It becomes kosher to sit on a huge pile of Neggs WITHOUT sharing with anyone,
and when people try to 'borrow' one, it's perfectly fine to open your mouth
and blast them with your icy breath... you ARE a huge frozen worm, right? Oh
yeah, and all greenery must be chewed slowly in the huge chasm, or you'll deeply
offend the natives. Finally, remember this always-- eating snow is just BAD.
Especially the yellow snow. Don't ask, okay, let's just say there's no "Winter
There are, once again, pretty much two schools of thought as far as manners
go here. However, one of them involves skinning you, putting you into boiling
water alive, and chanting rapidly, then pulling out your... so the point is
you don't really need to worry about eating there.
Now, the OTHER inhabitants of the ol' Island are much, much, MUCH more civilized.
Heck, I think they're too civilized for their own good. How is this possible?
Well, let's get started on the rules of a Mystery Island feast!
First, you must find a spot. All guests must sit from tallest to shortest
in a counter-clockwise manner, with the tallest member of the group sitting
at a 75 degree angle from the west point of the sun. Then, all guests must use
the outermost utensil first, and not last, before moving to the second to last
innermost utensil, then to the innermost utensil, finally moving to the second
to second to last outermost utensil, and so on, until all utensils have been
used (Which means if your host over does it on the utensils, you might have
to switch every few seconds, as to make sure all are used.). When all utensils
have been used, you must find the second to right adjacent guest on the opposite
side of the table, and then switch places with them. This is done as to show
that you have such a clean area on your table, you would let anyone sit there.
Then it gets complicated.
See, I was talking about the SOUP course, not the entree. Each entree category
has a HIGHLY, HIGHLY, HIGHLY specialized way of eating it. They take this so
seriously, that should you do it offensively wrong, you might go 'eat' with
the other inhabitants I talked about earlier.
Okay, so, say, you're having fruit. All fruit must be eaten from the inside
out, using forks in your left hand, and knives in your right. First you make
a little incision hole, then you carefully extract the juicy insides using seesaw
motions at the rate of 500 SSPH (See-saws Per Hour). Once onto the plate, you
eat the insides moving in a counterintuitive spiral from farthest point, though
the center, to nearest point, then slicing out shapes of carefully cut V's,
remove both sides from left to right.
It goes and on, but that's another article in and of itself. Instead, just
learn the hard way, and get thrown to the cannibals. I don't mind.
While I can't go through EVERY quirk of the green isle to the east, I will
go into the alternate-- yes, they have TWO systems-- feasting etiquette, Gadgadsbogen
dinners! It's pretty simple in comparison, actually. You just sit there blindfolded
and try to figure out who's sitting where according to clues. They mention a
lot about food, but you're just assigned what you 'eat', you don't actually
get any food. Kind of stinky, when you think about it, because it IS a feast...
I could go on and on, but here's the real point: just zip over to Krawk Island
and get some grog. No rules there, you can belch and eat and drink in peace.
Etiquette? HAR! HAR! Er... I mean, 'Heheh!' But the point is, this
is a place where eating your own leg is permitted. Just look at all the missing
ones and you'll believe me! So it's really kind of pointless to talk about manners
where belching forth two gallons of grog won't get you kicked out of a musty
Okay guys, they keep telling me there is NO such place as Jelly World... and
let's just go along with it. So what if it exists? One day they'll admit it,
I know they... hey, is that a white van with no windows? Um, so where was I?
Oh yes, there's... cough, cough... NO SUCH THING AS JELLY WORLD... cough,
cough... Which is exactly why I'm about to talk about the kind of manners
you should have there!
The main thing to remember in Jelly World... oh, there goes that van again...
oh, nevermind, headed off to pick some complete nutcase rambling about missing
petpets! Heh, that scared me. Anyway, the main thing to remember is DON'T EAT
BUILDINGS. I know it's pretty cliché at this point, but I'm serious --
I ate this old orange geezer's house last time I was in Jelly World, and he
went whacking me with his jiggly club for hours. I ate that, too. Dung, while
I was at it, I ate him, the central food store, two apartment complexes, seven
fire hydrants, and a few more weapons. And then... oh then... hey, there's that
white van! And it's coming for ME! ME!
Time to cut to the chase: don't eat anything but the food. I mean, it's all
food, but I mean the FOOD food. Like, the food made of food, not the food that's
just... and they're tossing me in the ol' van... ow.
It's dark in here. Freaky.
Grag smash. Grag like pretty stones. Grag find big meat. Grag eat meat. Grag
drag meat back to cave. Grag eat meat some more. Grag go find more meat. Grag
does not know how to eat very well. Grag make big mess. Grag set everything
on fire to fix mess. Grag have average etiquette in Tyrannia. You no worry about
manners in the place of yummy dung. Grag smash some more.
Virtupets Space Station
Welcome to Sloth's iron abode. Don't ask me why he's still there, don't ask
me why you can get chocolate eclairs in toothpaste tubes, and please, PLEASE
don't ask me why laughing is prohibited at a place that sells Laugh Grenades.
So what about eating, you say? Well, the best way to offend the folks here
is to just plain EAT. I don't mean you have to starve -- no way -- I said PLAIN
eat. Yes, that's right, when eating, you must chew your food/style your food
into some likeness of Sloth. There needs to be a better word for ego. So, let's
say you're chowing down on a (disgusting) 'Chocolate Eclair.' Guess what? You'd
better start squirting that stuff out onto your plate to spell "I <3 Sloth",
and fast! Because trust me on this one -- there's a jettison bay not far from
the cafe, and the anti-Slothers won't be away from it for long (and after that
they WILL be away for long). And if you think there's NO WAY to praise Sloth
with your food-- maybe you have a Roast Garapple -- just get out the sculpting
kit! You know how I was saying there needs to be a better word for ego? There
The Lost Desert
This has got to be the weirdest world, food-wise. I mean, half the food is
BURNT -- yes, BURNT -- and a good bit of it will give you fatal coughing fits
(though you may get your very own shrine, with luck). Plus, the food that ISN'T
burnt is said to explosive, buried deep in the ground, or has a weird name (Baggus?!).
So listen, just stay away. Far away. It's hot, the food stinks, and well...
it's hot and the food stinks.
Ah, sweet Meridell, the land of ancient heroes, gorgeous dames, powerful magic,
unforgettable quests, and... a lot of weird games involving Potatoes. Er, anyway,
where was I? Oh yes, that's right... mighty castles, open fields, ominous artifacts,
and a grumpy old lizard with a bad hair cut. Yeesh.
As far as manners go, well, the first thing you should remember is that there
are NO utensils (the look on your face implied this seemed normal to you...
oh dear.). Which means everything you eat -- from soups to soups, to... gruel
-- will be eaten with your claws and paws or hands and feet or whatever. Use
your ears -- whatever floats your boat.
Also, it's customary, when it comes to food, to give people things like potatoes
(HUGE surprise) for good jokes. This custom can be seen demonstrated by Skarl,
at his little throne, where -- you guessed it -- he gives you things for 'good'
jokes. Notice the quotation marks there.
And on a final note, it seems anything bigger than two Elephantes is allowed
to eat anything smaller than a tree stump, without offending anyone, as long
as the ritualistic offerings are optional -- go figure.
Your parents probably told you not play with your food. Well, welcome to Faerieland,
the land of playful meals. So forget EVERYTHING your parents told you (including
playing with fire-- that's what the red ones do). In fact, if you DON'T play
with your food, you might SEVERELY offend your hosts.
I mean, when I saw Fluffy Faerie Pancakes, they were just ASKING to be played
with (maybe throwing them out the NeoHome window wasn't the right idea, but
you live and learn). And what about the Blueberry Faerie Bubble? More fun! And
what would life be like without a Fire Faerie Pizza (two words, folks: exit
wounds)? These foods are like TOYS!
So when you attend a Faerie banquet, it's no surprise to see the ladies showing
off their magic abilities, enchanting food, setting fire to food, blowing food,
drenching food, and heck-- if you're lucky-- you might see someone EATING food.
Since you probably can't do any feats of powerful magic, your best bet is to
learn the art of juggling, tossing, or setting things on fire (choice C for
me). It might be pathetic, but you don't want to be kicked out! Why? 10,000
foot drops probably aren't your thing.